E-mail exchange with T last night (which includes some details from MC session yesterday), following brief text exchange where I asked if call would be possible, but he said he couldn't last night and was leaving town for the weekend early this morning. But he said he would probably be able to respond to an e-mail either later that night (last night) or else, if crisis, tonight (even though he'd be out of town).
Me:
Hi Dr. T,
Thanks for taking time to read this. I accept the $45, if you have time to respond. Just having trouble coping after the session with MC today. I just keep crying...and don't feel like eating anything.
I tried to open with what you and I had talked about--that I felt like his comment in the e-mail of "I'm not perfect, of course I will/have made mistakes" felt like a copout. He said he didn't understand what I was saying. I reworded it--he still didn't understand. Maybe I should have just gotten up and walked out then--I don't know... He ultimately kind of half-admitted to some mistakes...and gave me a few "If I did x, I'm sorry" apologies. I just don't know that he really understood what I was getting at--and I know that was a risk going in. He did admit (when I mentioned it) that he tends to be defensive when criticized.
I can fill in more details of what we discussed during our next session--there was a lot, since he kept us for an hour and 15 minutes. But there's one particular thing that's really upsetting me right now. MC confirmed that it was my e-mail saying "I love you" that was what led him to say we had to reduce contact. He'd initially thought it was romantic, and even though I sent the clarifying e-mail, which he read, he continued to think it was romantic (plus I told him on phone call, too). And he'd mistakenly thought I was requesting an individual session (even though I said "phone call" multiple times in writing!!!) and thought that wasn't appropriate. And apparently even once he realized I just wanted a phone call, he still felt he had to tighten boundaries and maybe shouldn't even do that.
I said how he'd responded to my love e-mail saying, "Yes, of course it's OK." But that obviously, it wasn't OK. Or he wouldn't have reacted that way. He said again today that it was OK, that my feelings were OK. But I said doesn't his reaction show that they aren't? I forget what he said to that. Aside from his not rejecting me in terms of not terminating me.
The problem is...I feel like this is just reinforcing my belief that I shouldn't share my true feelings with people. This is setting me back, not moving me forward...It's reinforcing that this is my fault...that I just become too much for people. That my loving someone is a scary, threatening thing, not a positive one... I mean, if a psychologist with 20-some years of experience can't handle it...
And I really should have brought this up on Tuesday, or the week before. (I did mention it in session today with MC) I think I told you about the high school teacher at one point, the journalism one, to whom I became fairly attached, shared feelings of connection with before graduation, etc. And contacted him a few times over summer, first semester of college.
he's one of the people to whom I mailed a letter. So I had to call him (he'd given me his home number a while back) to tell him that I was OK, not to read letter--and then he said to never call his house again. Not, like, "I'm glad you're OK," just "Get out of my life."
So I was vulnerable and expressed feelings with a male authority figure, and he told me to go away. Which is what it felt like with MC last month. Like repeating that past pattern, which MC acknowledged when I shared today (but it's not like he said something like "I'm sorry for triggering that--I can understand why it hurts so much."). Trying to work through all this transference stuff, only to end up with a similar, painful ending (I know it's not the same thing, that MC isn't fully rejecting me, but it still echoes that in a painful way).
And of course I worry about the same ultimately happening with you...like if I were to develop transference or something...but that's something we can discuss in session.
Just now, while typing this, I was hoping to get support from H, but he just ended up yelling at me and retreating to kitchen to eat dinner, instead of here in living room. I tried asking him to come back, but he said no and seemed angry...Maybe it's because of the love stuff that came up in session? I don't know. I just feel like **** right now... At least D gave me a hug earlier...
So what am I looking for here? Validation and support, I suppose. Not, for example, your saying you understand why MC freaked out if he thought it might be romantic love, like you'd said before--I'm asking you to support me here, not him. Yeah, I'm kinda trying to dictate and control your response...but I also know what won't be helpful to me right at this moment--maybe a few weeks from now, we can examine that sort of thing, like the reasons behind his response, more rational, intellectual stuff. But right now, I'm kind of raw and emotional and hurt. So just want support. Whatever you have time to give, I'll appreciate.
Thanks,
LT"
I sent an addendum a bit later: "
Not sure if you meant you'd only reply tonight in terms of a crisis, or if it was tomorrow night. But realized I'm not sure what you define as "crisis."
Putting T's reply in separate post, because this is already really long!