Your husband & I have a lot in common... except that, in my case, the behaviors he & I share are, in my case, permanent. I'm an older person & no longer working. So we don't have that in common. But I'm pretty-much "down" 24 / 7 & I would give anything to just disappear.

I also experience a lot of psychic pain. But I have shut my wife out permanently. We have sort-of a "don't ask / don't tell policy" going on here. (We do sleep in the same bed though.) My wife has even commented on the fact that I don't look at her. The difference I suppose is that, in my case, my wife really doesn't understand what's going on with me & she really would prefer not to have to deal with it. So that makes it easier for me to just keep it all to myself.

You asked what you should do when your spouse doesn't want your help & shuts you out. I don't know if I really have any particularly insightful answers to that. My inclination, based on my own situation, is to say... do nothing. The fact is that only your husband can do what needs to be done. And having you trying to figure out a way to "find a way into" his mental state may only make matters worse. At least that's the way it would be for me. Let your husband know that you're interested & available to talk / listen anytime he wants to. Perhaps try to find little things to do for him day-to-day that you know, from past experience, he would appreciate. But, beyond that, just "coast". I know that probably feels really uncomfortable. You most likely feel as though you've just got to DO something! However, realistically, my personal perspective is there's probably just not a lot you can do.

Here are links to some articles from PsychCentral's archives on the subject of depression in men. These articles seem to present male depression differently from how you are observing it in your husband (& how I have experienced it as well. ) But perhaps there may still be some helpful information within them:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/tms/2...-is-different/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/10-thi...le-depression/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-we...nd-depression/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/12-dep...sters-for-men/