i dont know what to think anymore. T says this or that and it sometimes sets me off... don't know when that is appropriate and when it's just me and my issues.

Don't know how to trust someone. i seriously have no idea.

he says he cares.. what does that mean? i'm not joking. i don't know

when he does not give me what i feel i needed, what do i do? should i be angry? sad? upset? indifferent?

i tell him. i do. i want to be a whole person. but i do not understand these things. i do not know how to act, think or feel.

i told him on the phone i didn't want things to snowball before next appt.. and he very jokingly said "just stop it!" i laughed hard, it was funny. i just don't know how to stop it or what to feel instead.

i suck as a human being.

why cant i be people too? what happened to me? would i have been different in a different environment growing up? would it have mattered if someone could have noticed that i was a different child and could have dealt with that? (i was intelligent and extremely inquisitive.. which also made me more difiant)

i don't know... i am having a hard time believing in the possibility of real change, real help. i dont see many people just doing so well with therapy, fewer getting results. i don't feel i can be helped and i cannot envision what that changed me would look like.

maybe i am paying a lot of money to just feel bad about myself.