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Jan 20, 2018, 05:31 PM
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Member Since: Oct 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 22,125
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nonightowl
This resonated with me.  My family is emotionally unavailable and disconnected. Expressing emotion was something I got scolded for as a kid. (Negative ones, but even positive ones I had to be somewhat reserved with)
I've had to fend myself too, when I lost my mom about a year ago. It was cancer, but even when they gave me the news, NOBODY would TALK to me enough about it. My dad was in denial, my brother not talking to me as he resented me for having to be at "ground zero" in caring for them, and my mom was as distant, harsh, and disconnected with me as ever. Being near death didn't motivate her to finally connect with me emotionally before it's too late. I tried many times over the years with her, but she never met me even half way.
Anyway, I DID try reaching out to my brother but he wasn't receptive. So no right to be mad at me.  I tried to connect (we never were close) so I could help SOMETIMES. I live far away, but unless he or someone TALKS to me about what's really going on, I can't and won't help.
She lasted about 6 months. That was around a year ago, so MLK weekend isn't a "big holiday weekend" for me like the media says. It's a sad anniversary, as it was the last time I saw her alive. It was the Sunday before MLK day. Last time I saw my dad & brother too.
So, no hugging and crying together, as my dad is stoic and doesn't even want to talk about it. I ended up calling places like the American Cancer Society and American Lung Association for info on her condition.
I've asked my dad several times if he wants help with stuff, like maybe sorting her belongings. He keeps telling me my brother is around, so he's relying on HIM for everything.
I went to a grief group for a few months, but I stopped cause it was too large and "fluid" for me. It was a drop in group, so the dynamic changed each week, and there was never enough time for real sharing. I did get something out of it though. It was just too emotionally taxxing trying to find a group that's free or low cost, and close to home, and small (no more than 8 people). That group had 18 - 25 people, and we just had 90 minutes.
So, like you, I relied on movies or books or comfort food. I did make one friend from grief group so that helps some.....Ate too much cake, cookies, etc. too.
Yesterday I finally asked my dad what caused this lung cancer. He said her dad was a heavy smoker. This I never knew, as I knew little about her. She never opened up, but knowing this helps makes some sense about how she got this if she never smoked. So that early exposure explains a lot, but they didn't tell me this a year ago. I'm sure they knew.
She also worked as a waitress when young, and in those days there was no "no smoking" in a restaurant or even a section for it.
So, no sharing of memories, no frequent visits to each other for emotional support, etc. You know, like a REAL family. My brother still isn't speaking to me.
I just "talk" to my dad once a month on the phone about superficial things, for no more than 5 minutes. He doesn't like talking on the phone.
Anyway, I know this is how he is, but it's unbearable at times to have no family to share grief with. That's the way it "should" be. But in my family?
Sometimes I feel like I have no family and want to cut ties completely.
I was going to go there a second time 1/20/17 but a storm was going on. But the next week, 1/27 she was gone.
Her birthday is Christmas, so the holidays were more painful and lonely than usual. Not sure how I really feel since I don't talk about it except with the group and maybe one person. And not long after I found out mom had cancer, a good friend of mine suddenly passed. So I was already grieving him, and I still am today.
Nobody asks me how I'm doing either, except the therapist who ran the grief group. She called me when I didn't come for a couple of months, and I told her the group isn't the right kind for me. But at least she wanted to know how I'm doing.
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