I cried a bucket of tears last night...that pain I get or use to get more when I yearned to be loved hit me in the pit of my stomach...I had a flash back to all the times I'd been hospilised and how on one occassion as the nurses were pushing the tube down my throat to pump my stomach and being very harsh telling me I should make sure I do a better job next time, that still was better then not having anyone...it hurt to remember those moments...I had no ffeelings about them back then...just felt I deserved their judgement off my acts...but I remembered last night how sad and uncared about I felt and can still feel today...Perhaps this is half way to solving this ...the fact that I could feel the love for the me I was back then that I so yearned for from the nurses and others...I was a humanbeing hurting...I mean who would choose to have tubes and needles put into them mistaking that for being cared for??? o