I am in therapy and have been for quite some time. My H and I are getting a divorce soon. We finally were in agreeance on the matter. As soon as my H found out I was terrified of him and was on the brink of coming unglued when he tried to touch me, he then realized that a normal sexual relationship and normal compassionate touches would not be possible for me. He immediately went out and had an affair. Granted I know the man has needs, but he has emotionally terrorized and abused me for many years. I developed Stockholm Syndrome, PTSD, Anxiety, and depression from being in a relationship with this man. He is definitely the crazy one. Any way he had an affair because "he has needs." So now our marriage is over. (finally)

Because we have a child who is getting ready to graduate from high school this year and a younger child, we are going to stay in the same house for the next 4 months until school is out. I have not worked in 20+ years, I stayed "in my place" as he puts it and stayed at home, out of the work force. (plus money would mean financial freedom and who knows what that could lead to) I have just recently began working a few hours a day. Twenty years of being at home alone or alone with kids does a number on your mind.

Staying in our house a few more months until I can save some money is going to help me. Staying for our kids, I think, is wise? Keeping the peace is also important. My H is continuing to see his girl friend. The marriage is "over" after all. I am less then thrilled about this, but if I told him no he could not see her, he would any way and he would be behind my back running around and living a lie. At least this way I know where he is and kinda what he is doing. He does tell me when he is going to see her. I told him once a week but not on weekends would be manageable for me. I mean he is gonna see her any way.
Set what boundaries you can.

After a month and a half it is less and less manageable. I want to stay for the kids. My son who is graduating soon is on the Autism spectrum. He is high functioning but still, I kinda need to be here. It takes a lot to manage him.

In order to cope a little better the T gave me an assignment. For homework, when I felt like my mind could handle it, she wanted me to write a "letter" to the other woman warning her of what she is in store for. I am not going to give it to her, it is more to help me deal with the my feelings. If I can recognize what he has done to me and see what he is going to do to someone else, then it may be easier to let him go. Stockholm Syndrome is a horrible disease. This man has abused me, demeaned me, left me a shell of a person and cheated on me. But he is being so nice right now. I could easily forgive his poor judgement, but I know what he is doing and him being nice is temporary.

So I am to write a letter to this other woman. If I could tell her anything I would have to tell her:

Mistress,

I would like to let you know that what you are seeing from my husband right now is not what he is really about. Sure my H is being nice, friendly, thoughtful, caring, and encouraging at the moment but like many psychopaths this is how they start. They make you feel good, they pray on your need to have a void in your life filled. They tell you what you want and need to hear. They lavish you with gifts and trips, but it is all a lie. I know he has given you things, taken you on trips, tells you all these great things. He has even made statements about God that lead you to believe he is a godly individual.

But beware, this is just the beginning. He is a neat freak, he is so OCD, and he is so hard to read. He will F with your mind in ways you could never imagine. He will slowly drain the life out of you. He will make you think you are the crazy one. He will make you think you are the one who f*****d it all up. You are the "B" for not giving him the attention he deserves. Then he will tell you that your communication skills suck, that is why yall never get along. It's not him, it's you. You didn't make it clear, so what if his body language is strong and frightening, that doesn't mean he he said anything out of line. HE will draw you in, lead you down a beautiful path and then desert you, hurt you, treat you like crap, and after a few days of that he will be so sweet and helpful and nice. It is a crazy game. One where you will always be the one to lose.

He is narcissistic. He is not capable of thinking of others. You are not allowed to have feelings. Disappointment is not allowed, anger is not allowed, frustration, being mad, even being hurt, those are not allowed and recognized by him. You better be ready and able to smile threw it and pretend nothing is wrong because you are not going to get any recognition for any of that by him. None of these things are allowed to affect your happiness and pleasantness. If you are not happy and cheery then you are in the wrong. You may not be less then helpful because you have had a bad day, because you are frustrated and god forbid you have a headache or be ill. Tough cookies, get up and clean, cook for me, bring me this and bring me that. You absolutely MUST be happy. If you are not then it is a reflection on him, and that makes him GUILTY. And that is something he simply cannot be.

He is unable to recognize feelings. He is unable to recognize others needs. Need for food and water, need for quiet, need for time alone, need for sleep, need to get out and do things. You will be his, and you will only be allowed to feel what he says you may feel. You will eat what he says you can eat, you will drink what he says you may, which will be water, so get used to it. You will have to watch him have what he wants to eat and drink while you get minimal food and water. Do not ask for a drink of his either. He may have a drink of your water, or a soda you buy if you find the money to buy it, you must give him a drink if he asks because you are a selfish B if you don't share. But you not have any of his. Those rules only apply to others not him.

You will have to be prepared to live your life 100% a lie. Go to church and pretend he is the greatest christian man. Go to gatherings and cater to him and show others you are perfect because otherwise it would make you look bad which would make him look even worse then you do. Be prepared to be told "You will tell NO ONE about this." Because of your fear YOU WILL TELL NO ONE!!! You will live like a happily married in love couple for all to see while you are being held mental prisoner on the inside.

You can talk to others about YOUR problems, as long as they do not include the truth about him. You will be very fortunate if you can be let out and trusted long enough to go see a counselor. Eventually he will start to dislike your family and the things they stand for. Eventually you will be crazy like them, alcoholics like them, losers like them, lazy like them, because you choose to be with the only family you have ever known. OR you can be like him, and be perfect, and right, an godly, and intelligent by staying away from "those" people. So you are stupid for visiting and calling your family or you can be smart and be like him and have very little to do with them. Same things with your friends. You can go out during the day time without him, but you will be drilled and questioned about your conversation. If you didn't discuss anything "wrong" then he will make up something wrong and accuse you of it in order to drive you insane and make you determine it is just not worth it to mingle with others and hang out with friends.

Eventually you will have contact or conversation with friends of family, and you will be living a lie to those around you. If you try to connect with others threw the computer you can guarantee he will stand over your shoulder and read everything thing you write and anything someone else writes back to you. That to will be a source of disagreement and you will learn not to piss him off, so you will forgo the internet. You are his and his alone. You will not talk to any one else, you will not call anyone else, you will not text or email anyone else while in his presence. When he gets home you will be a different person. You will cater to him, you will make sure he is happy, you will only talk to him. You may not watch TV unless it is a show he likes, you may not listen to music unless it is the kind he likes. NOTHING will take your attention from him. In return he will be nice to you. That eventually becomes your everything. That niceness is what you will live for. And then he has you. You are under his control. Your life's goal is to make him happy so he will be nice to you. To have him angry at you is just a horrible place to be. He is not someone you want to cross. He will deny you money he will deny you health care, dental care, gas money, transportation. It is just better to do what he says and do everything with in your power to keep him happy.

He loved you for who you were in the beginning, but he loves you more for being what he can make you be. You have to be what he likes, you have to like what he likes, you have to sleep when he sleeps, get up when he gets up. You have to like to eat what he eats and what he allows you to eat, and you sure as hell better eat it all even if you do not like it.

So in short, be prepared to give up everything about you, everything that made you who you are. You are no longer who you are, you will be who he says you can be. Once you think you have that figured out and you think you are who he wants you to be he will change it again. You will not be the person you used to be and you will not the be the person you have become programmed to be, you will be someone completely different. Eventually you will lose who you ever were. You will lose who you were that attracted him to you in the first place. You will lose who you were trained to become. You will lose the next person he wants you to become. You will be left a shell of a person and totally lost and not knowing who you are.

So good luck to you. I hope you are ready to endure what hell is to come. I hope it has all been worth it. I fear in the end it will not. Enjoy, he is now yours.

________________________________

Thank you guys for listening. I just needed to share my personal hell.