you know perna... your message would have been lovely to me even an hour ago... and i appreciate the time you put into it. right now i am heart-broken and crest-fallen.

i was proud of myself.. i thot i had made big changes too. it wasa stupid thing for me to grasp for.

i asked T for a short message... to give me just something to use as a tool till friday... i am trying to not use my old patterns of thinking but i don't have the ability to replace them with anything yet... it didn't need to be much of anything, could be some of what he said yesterday on the phone even... just something tangible i could listen to because those old voices drown out anything new i try to do.

i thot that was reasonable. i was so very proud of myself. i made a big step... i thot.

i thot wrong.

it wasn't enough. not high enough, not far enough, not enough.

i'm not enough. i've neer been good enough for anyone before, i don't know why it'd be different now.

all i asked T for was a small map, or compass, just for the little path ahead until we can meet again. i wanted to walk it myself and was proud of the climb i had finished... all i wanted was something to hold onto. was that too much to ask?

pachyderm... i dunno.. i don't know if i follow what you mean.. can you give an example? i am sorry you have communication trouble with your T as well