Hi everyone! Sorry I've been gone for a while. I should really be back over here as it's a good place to come and not be judged.

I'm really confused at the moment. I'm feeling quite bitter for no reason that I can specifically pin point. Well I kind of understand why but don't feel like I should feel this way at all.

I've just got a new job and I love it. I also recently passed my final exam for my degree. I'm in a happy relationship for over a year and everything seems to be going well in my life so I should feel really good, but I just feel irritable and out of sorts. It's not all the time, but it comes in ebbs and flows and I don't understand it.

One thing is that I'm scared of aging and getting old, frail and facing death. I lost my grandad last year and my dog the year before that. Since then I've been worrying most nights about the end and also about getting older. I'm only young (26) but I'm just so worried that I'll wake up one day and I'll be old and I won't have enjoyed my life enough. I feel stuck in a circle with it. I don't think about it as much when I'm with my partner and I feel better when I'm with him.

I then have this massive struggle with my identity. I've written about this a few times before and it still plagues me all the time. I suffer from low self esteem and try to be what I think people want me to be. I want to please them and be liked. This has led me to feel very anxious and I can't relax when I'm with other people. I'm just not sure who I am or how to be myself. Again I don't think about this much when I'm with my partner. I don't know if this is because my family have been unintentionally critical about aspects of my looks and personality such as my weight, being a sensitive person etc. So I just don't feel good enough or feel like I have to hide the imperfect bits. This is worse because of my new job where I'm desperate to fit in and be liked. I love everyone there and they've made me feel really welcome but I'm just overthinking about how I'm coming across.

Things are a bit dodgy at home. My nephew and his mum don't get on so he's practically moved in to our very tiny house. I don't mind him being there but sometimes it feels a bit ... I dunno? Like there's not enough space for us all, I can't really watch what I want because he's young but stays up late. It just feels a bit intrusive I guess. I'm not at home half the time as I stay at my partners house. My mum said it's possible that if I moved out he would move in full time.

I don't know if I'll move out anytime soon but I'm feeling a bit squashed and smothered at home. My mum is still quite overprotective of me and I feel like I can't fully fledge as an adult at the moment. Me and my partner have talked about moving in together at some point but it won't be for probably another year or so. My parents say I won't cope on my own even though I could probably afford it in a few months of working.

I dunno. Things just feel a bit off. I'm worried about things going wrong a lot as my job isn't actually permanent yet, although there's a good possibility it could become permanent in a few months.

I don't know. I'm feeling a bit down and feel bad for moaning but I just need to get it off my chest somewhere. If anyone has any advice or just some support to offer that would be great.

Thanks [emoji7]