*I posted this in the new member forum but figured I post it here too.

Hello Everyone,

I found this site a few days ago while searching treatment options. To come right to the point, I'm pretty damn depressed. Can't sleep, can't eat, hate being at work but don't want to go home, abandoned all my hobbies. It's pretty miserable.

The story. I've been single for a couple years now, the break up was a nightmare and devastated me. I had to scramble through it alone and unemployed. I pulled myself together and got a new job and threw myself into it. Working helps me a lot. I'd say I'm addicted to it. Days off scare me. So I kept my head down and worked. I didn't want to meet anyone, I don't even want close friendships. That sounds pretty bad, and probably is. But I haven't had a close relationship that didn't end up hurting like hell in the end yet.

So you know I met someone right ? Oh GOD it was so wrong. Just wait I'm getting there, and you'll probably call me an idiot at least a dozen times in the process. I work with her (idiot), and her Mom (idiot). People at work were pushing us together for months. I was terrified but didn't want to tell anyone, especially her.

So finally, shortly before Christmas she makes the move and calls me. It went fast from there. With in a few days we ended up at a party together, a WORK party (idiot). Couldn't keep our hands off each other. I nearly got in a fight with the bartender because he wouldn't let her off the dance floor (idiot), he was being a prick though.

We would talk all the time, text msg at work, you can guess. I spent the night at her house, nothing happened though because she was sick, and I'm getting to that part. Then about 10 days ago it just stopped. She stopped answering the phone, stopped responding to my texts, didn't want me to come over. I'm thinking another guy. Finally I catch her at work and she basically says she wants to slow down and doesn't want our supervisors to know. This of course is all being complicated by a real evil, sociopathic, ******. Who is constantly telling her that me and her are sleeping together and we're in a relationship and all this, further more that our supervisors WILL find out. All of that is completely untrue but this ****** is jealous and actually enjoys making her cry. Seriously.

So a couple more days go by and we still aren't talking. I'm getting fed up. So I call her Mom to see whats up and find out that she's in the hospital throwing up blood and trying to swallow her tongue. Yep, I freak out. She is severely anemic and has colitis... and stopped taking her medicine. So I'm thinking, well that's what it is, she still wants to be together but she's deathly ill. Strange relief but at least I know what the problem is. I'll tell you all, there is one sure fire way to push me over the edge from someone I care about. All they have to do is simply stop talking to me and my mind will chew it's self up with what ifs.

So yesterday I call her Mom to check on her and it turns out she's been released. Her Mom puts her on the phone and her tone immediately tips me off that she would rather not talk to me. Great. So she tells me that she is very sick right now, as is her Son. She is trying to move into her apartment and is going to be seeing a specialist several states away. That she can't focus on me or a relationship right now. I can accept this. So I tell her I understand but I'd like to still see her. I ask her if we can talk more about this after I get off work and she says she'll call. And doesn't.

I'm so f***ing confused! I get it, she's busy. I fought like hell against a relationship but weeks ago she's calling me telling me she keeps dreaming about me (like HOT dreams she's telling me in detail), just getting me all spun up. I fought and I fought but it was making me so damn happy. I couldn't stop thinking about her but my whole world felt perfect. I would go to her house and me her and her 1 year old son would just lay in bed together (don't take that the wrong way). She would sleep and me and him would play peek-a-boo. He'd sit in my lap and I would teach him to draw letters and numbers.

I kept thinking that this was too perfect. That nothing feels this good and this right without a cost. F**K, the bills already due and they didn't even offer me dessert!

So anyway, I'm in the midst of another perfect breakdown. I can't do it alone again though. I've got an appointment with a psychiatrist on Feb. 6th. A couple friends from work know whats up but I can't let them in on how bad this is hurting me. In my experience friends want you to be there for them when they have needs, it doesn't work the other way.

Why do I keep ending up like this? It never fails! I'm already so damn scared to be close to anyone. I work so hard to accept being alone. Then I meet someone despite my desire not to and I realize how much better it is to be with someone. Then I'm alone again. How does one break this vicious cycle? Monastary? Castration? Just what are my options here? Because this whole can't sleep, can't shut my mind up business isn't working for me.

I'm not going to kill myself. I had a friend who did 12 years ago and it still hurts. Something has got to break though. I mean this is bad.

About 6 months ago I took a job washing dishes, just anything to not be in my house. Now I'm threatening the executive chefs job and getting ready to go to culinary school. They promoted me with in a month. My first two weeks as a cook I worked 142 hours. I wasn't happy but I was focused and moving up fast, I was satisfied. They just put me in charge of inventory and food cost a couple weeks ago and are gonna negotiate a salary for me based on my performance there. Now? My brain is wasted. My productivity sucks!

Can anyone tell me is there hope for this? Can a doctor really do anything to help this? I've been treated before. First time around they gave me Paxil and Neurontin and some other junk. No thanks. Second time they gave me Effexor and Lithium and told me I was bipolar (I'm not). Kept me on free samples of Effexor for about 4 months then tell me I have to start paying for it without insurance and I can't. Abruptly stopping Effexor is REAL bad, trust me. Like agoraphobia kind of bad. I lost my job, my apartment, my girlfriend, all but my life and had to recover from that.

Sorry this is so damn long. Apparently i do want to talk to someone though huh ? I think it helps that this is anonymous.

If you read all this, you must be REALLY bored ! But i appreciate it and anyone's words of advice would also be very much appreciated. Feel free to respond with any wisdom you think may help me with this here or PM me. Thank you all and especially the creators and mods of this site. I hope to be a part of your community here and offer what ever help I can to anyone suffering, even if it's just a shoulder to cry on. Hope to talk with you all later.