Hi Shellbe,

I'm sorry you are going through all this. I'm glad you came here to let it out though and hope that is helping you some. I know it doesn't fix anything but I know for me it felt good just to finally say what's up and how I'm feeling to someone.

I can identify with having to deal with loved ones who just refuse to accept that you are suffering. My Mom is really the only member of my family I am close with and if she knew I was planning to see a psychiatrist she would seriously probably stop talking to me again. She doesn't believe in psychiatry and further more thinks it's even harmful. I have friends but they don't want to hear it. They don't want me bring them down. They all tell me the same thing, "just stop thinking about it". Might as well just tell the earth to stop spinning right? My friends answer is to take me to bars and get me laid. That's just not me, I don't do that.

I don't have anyone to come home to, or to even talk to. I dread going home. It's so bad I'll clock out and keep working. I'm pressuring them for a salary so I can stay there all the time but with what I'm going through now I am sucking at work.

8 years is a long time and you guys must be really commited to each other. Hopefully you can make him understand that, even if he can't accept the reality of your condition, he needs to find work to support you both in general. Your therapy is important to you but so is food and shelter. Running up credit is just gonna create problems that will extend into your futures. I can speak on that from personal experience .

It sounds like maybe he is complacent in the relationship? Taking you for granted is strong terminology but it's something I myself think I have been guilty of in the past with relationships I was in. Doesn't sound like he is the type of guy to go to counseling with you though but I'd think that would be helpful. That and him going to the employment commission in your state maybe. Maybe drop that little kernel of info with one of his friends so he'll listen?

Please don't think you are "just not meant for this world". You've got to know that isn't true. You yourself said the thought was nonrational and you are right, it is. My closest friend from childhood into adulthood killed himself and it was devestating and life changing. I still think about him all the time and the question will probably always remain with me. Could I have stopped it if I was just a little more supportive? I will always take the blame for what happened to him. I'm sure you don't want to leave your husband and loved ones with the same questions and feelings.

I usually try to check these forums at least once a day. Feel free to PM me anytime for any reason and I'll respond. For what its worth you can cry on my shoulder. I'm no therapist but at least you can let it out to us here.