with alcohol comes depression..and major depression can develop.
It sounds to me that all your confusion is steming from the depression that alcohol causes as it is a "depressent"...

if you want to get better you can...I've been going on benders for the last 4 years...finally I got sick of being in the hospital..not remembering things...not dressing or showering or eating...anything and I mean ANY type of existence is better than all of this.

The farther you are from a drink...the depression lessens....I think that alcohol is not the answer but it is another chemical reaction in your brain that brings us down.

I really think counseling and medication could get you to a much better place.

But, you have to be willing to do ANYTHING to get out of this mindset...If not you are doomed to return to the "benders" and continue the cycle of pain.