It doesn't work that way. Furthermore, you sound like someone who may be dealing with a lot of guilt and as a result you think that you want to punish yourself but, that wont help either. You need to see a therapist and tell them of these feelings so that they can help you to deal with them. I feel punished too and worry too that God wants to punish me but, I know that that makes no sense and put those thoughts away when they come. Stop doing this to yourself and if you can't stop then, see a doctor and therapist about it. Just don't hurt yourself over it or anything else. YOU are the victim here. You shouldn't feel guilty about anything that is a part of your suffering. Let it go.