I'm approaching 40 in a few years. I have not been diagnosed with BPD, but as the years have gone on and the pattern of work, quit, repeat have made it very apparent. I have not had a lot of relationships because I am also shy, but the ones I have had were pretty abnormal. My first was with a man 20 years older than me (I was only 18,) my second was with a guy who kept saying he was gay, but then would deny it when I asked if he really was. In between, I got involved with people who were interested in only 1 thing. I sort of ignored it though for some reason. My current relationship is with someone who has never said they love me, and it started 8 years ago because his wife left him. I have moved back with my mom, while he continues to live in my apt. I still go there to visit because I have no one else. I know it's so sick, but I am desperate for even fleeting moments of socialization or a laugh here and there. The feelings I have had over him loving her, and never saying it to me have caused fights every week of those 8 years, but I am told that all I do is cry, and "who wants to be with someone who is sad all of the time?" Yesterday, he said I sound like a drunk, even though I never drank alcohol in my life. All I ever heard in the beginning were stupid sad stories about his wife and she still tries to control him using their kids, how does he expect me to react? I have nothing to show for my life, and people are really getting the idea that something is wrong with me. I can't hide it anymore. My mom is so self absorbed. I say I have a problem, and she talks for an hour about her own problems. She used to be an alcoholic. I would have to leave immediately sometimes when she would fly into an alcoholic rage. I would walk or drive around, sometimes when I was sick. I would hide in the garage between the junk if I was too tired.Sometimes she would look for me, like I was hunted prey or something. Of course now, she wants to be seen as a mother who did her best, and conveniently forget the really bad stuff. Even though, she had to quit drinking because it made her puke, she has never admitted to being an alcoholic or the destruction it caused. If I ever bring it up, which I did once and learned the hard way, she gets angry and talks about my dad's alcoholism or makes it seem like I'm waaay too sensitive. Of course I know my dad wasn't perfect, but I didn't really grow up around him that much. Anyway, probably where the BPD was reinforced. I remember when my mom's jerk boyfriend was dumping her, which I was blamed for because of my fling with a much older man causing her stress, he said to her, "You're going to ruin her." I always remembered that, and I think she did ruin me. In fact, she probably has BPD too, as her mother and father ruined her. All of her siblings died of drug OD. I've been very lucky that I do not have a terrible addiction, although I do binge sometimes. All I ever wanted in life was to have a career I like, and if possible, be loved by someone, but I just can't stick to a path, or attract a good person. Something always happens, and I gotta run. Right now, it feels like all I have are my cats who love me. Sorry this was so long. I'd actually like to hear more stories from others if they're comfortable.