Staying boosted on caffeine and yerba mate and 5-htp for the next 34 hours, except to sleep. Pushing really hard. It's that or crumple up. Tomorrow would be my 20th anniversary, almost one year after the divorce. We did not speak or see each other on our anniversary last year, which wasn't a big difference from when we slept in the same room with a divider of pillows and blankets in the bed.
I'm not dealing with it properly, but at least I'm not drinking and truly don't want to. What I'm doing keeps me alert and able to think and move. I'll be going to the gym probably all day tomorrow. I do mean all day. I'll be there from 10 or hopefully before until I fall over or it closes at 10. I will take breaks but I've got to do something to fight the bad feelings from all those years of all that bad. Exercise makes me feel better than drinking does anyway.
I could just let it go.
I know that I could. I also know that I can be really weak emotionally sometimes. I'm feeling it now. Someone else's divorce-related post triggered me. I forget who posted it but it's not their fault in the least. It would happen today anyway. I was already thinking about it some.
I want to call her and tell her what a terrible person she is. I want to tell her how damaging she was. I want her to feel like she made me feel all that time. I don't want her to go over it, but I want her to see the edge of SI and it's fear and then the loss of fear, because that's where she put me over and over again, then pushed me past. I want her to see herself as she presented herself to me, a monster of proportions Leviathan would flee. I want her to try everything she can while nothing can possibly work. I want her to feel like everything is her fault. I want her to look in the mirror and say to herself, "everyone, including me, hates you."

I think I still have a lot of anger here. I want to lose it but I don't know if I'm ready yet.