It sounds like he has fears of giving up control. He is "withholding" sexuality from you because it gives him some kind of control to protect him from potentially ending up feeling betrayed again. This doesn't sound like it's really about sex itself, it's about intimacy, he is afraid to trust you enough to be able to share his own wishes with you. That's probably why he asked you to boss him around, he is trying to discover all of your wishes so that maybe he would feel safer in sharing his own. He has probably felt betrayed in the past by women and is testing you to see how you compare to his past experiences.