So many posts and yet so little time… I want everybody to know that I am sorry I have not been able to reply to as many posts as I typically do…life has just been a little busy lately. Also, some posts have been triggering me a little more than usual. So, I have had to take care of myself and be careful not to get overwhelmed. One post has been coming back to me over and over…the topic is having kids.

I have had mental health issues since I was a child and will probably struggle with them for the remainder of my life. Although I have periods of wellness, I am not mentally or emotionally stable enough to be able to take care of children. I realized this when I was young, so I had my tubes tied to prevent any accidents. Making the decision to never have children was difficult but I believe I made the right decision.

However, now, at 36 years old I am experiencing the biological clock syndrome—every cell in my body seems to think having a child is absolutely necessary to my survival. Intellectually, I understand this phenomenon and I know I am not capable of caring for another human being. But, that biological/hormonal push is still there. I am often overwhelmed by the desire to hold and nurse my own little baby—to give life to another human.

Some say maybe I can adopt or maybe I’ll end up in a relationship with somebody who already has kids. But, this push is more about me bringing life into this world…it is about me giving birth to my own child. It feels as if I am only a “partial” woman because I am childless—I am not whole—I am not fulfilling my destiny—if I don’t have a child, I will never know what it is like to truly be a woman.

And no, I can’t adopt because, as I said, I am not stable enough and I don’t see myself in a relationship with somebody who has young kids because I would not be able to handle the stress. So, I stand by my decision not to have children—it is still the right decision. But, that does not make this any easier.

I am upset that I struggle with mental illnesses. It does not seem fair. I am frustrated, angry, sad…yes, I am being responsible, but it still hurts. Why me? Why do I have to be the one with mental illnesses? I feel like I have been robbed of a basic human right. These illnesses have taken so much from me and they continue to take and take…does it ever end?