Hey bluesguy - my head is more together today...at least i think it is. Can i ask if you have looked around this site at some of the other posts? You said that you like it when we talk to you as it opens your mind - i really think reading around will do this also. So try.

Regarding your first post. What that last gf said is quite harsh to be honest. I guess she must have felt fairly close to you to feel she was able to say that! Or...my english reservedness is showing through!

Have you any thoughts on why you may scare people? Is it because you are too scared to let them in, so everything they interpret is actually the opposite? When i was younger i was very aggressive generally but i learnt that my anger was actually defensiveness, i hated what people said because it made me feel even more rubbish than i already did. I had to break down that barrier and the only way i could do that was actually to show my weakness. Instead of being angry, i thought about why i was angry about the specific thing, dealt with it as far as i could, attempted to make some changes, but also ultimately take a few risks! Because letting people in is scary! It is for everyone!

You remember what she said pretty clearly, it has obviously affected you quite a lot. Prehaps this is where some of the hurt comes from, prehaps this is the trigger into your depression period. Prehaps for the first time you had to accept what you were doing to intergrate socially and realised that maybe some things you were doing were not the best coping method. Only guessing of course.

Is the reason you feel you will never be comfortable around people because you are always putting on a mask? Always being someone you're not? I wouldn't be comfortable doing that either, i guess everyone pretends to an extent but if we lose ourselves in the process - that is when it becomes hurtful.

It sounds to me, again only guessing, that you have very low self esteem and because of this either don't know how to get close to anyone else, or react badly when someone says something that may be closer to the truth than you thought. Was this what happened with your last therapist? No doubt some therapists can be poorly trained but it must have been bad to react so violently....why did you react in such a way? Why not just leave? It would be interesting to ponder.....i think. Violence is never the answer.

You say the best people in your life are the people that are not intimidated....of what your intelligence, your violence? Why do you think they are intimidated? Is there anything you can do to change this? Maybe one of these people you can talk to about feeling this way - prehaps they can point you in the right direction.

Hope this is of some help.
I think people apologise on here because a lot of us are just offering ideas not solutions. Your posts do seem abrupt at times but i realise that this is because you are going through a lot right now and i know you are a nice guy really This is a support forum - i hope this post is supportive.