I feel very stuck and very scared. I have been doing worse since December and I have found very little strength to stop this journey to rock bottom; and I am angry at myself for letting it happen.
I got no motivation. I need motivation.
I need hope. I need purpose.
I need my nightmares to stop.
I need youth. I am 40 years old and I feel like my life is over and that there isn’t much time left.
Everyone finally moves on... and I.... I continue aging at the same exact place where I was five years ago.
I need love. I need to be loved.
I need to stop being hunted by my past. I need this grief to stop eating me alive.
I need to get out of bed.
I have to remain functional otherwise I will be on the street. I have no one to rely on.
I am very scared and stuck.
I fear that I will die alone... I fear that I will die alone on the streets, with ravens having me for breakfast.
I have been on my own for so long... I am exhausted.
I need a vacation. I haven’t had a vacation, ever.
I need motivation.
I need to find my self worth. I need to find my old self. I used compete in weightlifting competitions, run marathons.... and now, it is a miracle if I make it to the gym every week.
I need motivation to live. I need motivation to embrace wisdom and suffering.
I need to be more resilient. Above all, I need to be more grateful. I need to appreciate what I have. I need to be thankful. Bur, I cannot.
I need to be loved.
I am very scared and very stuck. It is so very cold.
I am suffering. It hurts so very much. I forgot joy. I have not had or felt joy for a very long time.

Thanks for reading,
FallDuskTrain