I lack a support system, I lack a lot of things -- including the will to stand up for myself, make changes to better the outcomes, and energy to even make it through the day half the time. I can't respect myself half the time, how can I expect kids or my colleagues to do the same?

I blame myself for most of it -- I'm just a "that guy" -- you know, the one who can't seem to get his **** together. Judgement of others is not a big deal anymore. I live in a small town and I know how things are -- Hell, I almost lost my job because of my severe depression... no, let me be honest here, I almost lost it because I didn't smile enough or look happy. I'm a teacher, so it's not like he was totally off base but to go as far as to threaten to fire me if I didn't was too much. I forced a smile ever since there... 2 and half years later and that smile is wearing thin again. I can't keep pretending constantly things are OK. They aren't. I have my good patches and I'm just in a rough one I guess.

I know I'm gonna get the messages "Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get over it. Be a better person and stop complaining about your life". I'll probably hear that more than once in my life, and if you want to leave a comment letting me know that I won't stop you -- but understand, no one else if going to look out for you but you. I care and can see my shortcomings. I know my pity party is a downer for everyone else -- which is also why my interaction with others is minimal. I try to be supportive and a good friend when I can be, but I know I'm more hassle than I'm worth.

Again, this message was just to get out my frustration into the air. Journaling helps, but silent words and comments to myself don't always pack the punch I wish they would. Sometimes I just feel I need to be heard, even if my requests and wants are stupid and my fault.

--- end of rant ---