T today (switched to today from Tuesday since he had an opening). I thanked him for his e-mail response Friday and said I felt bad because it was a Friday night, that I worried I had been pushing him on it too much or something. He said he wouldn't have offered if he wasn't willing to do it. And that's generally how he is with things like that.

I said we had to figure out definition of a "crisis."
I said then Friday night wouldn't have classified to him as crisis. How for me, I'm more likely to reach out if, say, I can't stop crying, have trouble eating, basically if I can't function in my normal life (which is how I felt Friday night after the session). He said I was clearly in a high level of distress. That it can be good to come up with a list of things to do to help deal with that. Since I won't always be able to reach out, whether to him or someone else (well, aside from crisis line). I said I even felt like, if I was in a really bad place, I didn't want to rely on my H to give me what I needed, since I couldn't know how he'd react.

Then T shifted into existential mode. He said, "Oh, no, you can't rely on another person. Because when it comes down to it, you’re ultimately alone. You might be there with other people, but you’re alone in that you have to deal with feelings on your own. You face death alone. You might deal with serious illness or health issues alone." I wanted to say, "Uh...is that supposed to make me feel better?"

Talked about some different things I could do to help me if I'm feeling bad, like reading, listening to music. He talked about some stuff that helped him, like cleaning out a junk drawer, how you never know what you'll find, that you might find 40 wooden spoons. I said we might have one wooden spoon, and he said he guessed that was his issue then, not mine. He also mentioned how sometimes he'll read about a cause online then donate $10, how that's something I could do in the middle of the night, too. He said can be good to make a list of things to do.

Talked about the high school journalism teacher for whom I'd had transference. Shared more details of that with T, including how I'd given him a love poem not long before graduation. And how shortly after that, I'd had him sign a copy of the newspaper (like signing a yearbook). How he'd written something really kind, that I'd been one of his "special students," that some people make the world better just being in it and I was one of those people. T said that was a really sweet thing to say. I said yeah, though who knows, maybe he signed it in everyone's. T said he doubted it. He said maybe the teacher was kind of flirting with me at times, from what I described--especially since my best friend (also on the paper) said he treated me differently. And then maybe the love poem spooked him and made him worry there could be accusations of impropriety .

T said then when I called him after sending him the letter first semester of freshman year , he may have really freaked out, worrying I'd accuse him of something or his wife would think something had gone on. So that's why he said to never call him again. How some people just don't know how to handle that sort of situation, and ex-teacher may have been one of them. Like, he no longer cared what happened to me, had to protect himself and his career. So wasn't so much me, it was him.

Talk shifted to MC. I mentioned how H and I had talked later Friday night, and H had said he was thinking during session, "Couldn't MC just show some humanity?" As in, couldn't he just take off his therapist hat and treat me like a human, show compassion? T thought it was interesting that H was thinking the same throughout the session. I said I appreciated H thinking that. I also said how H said it almost seemed like a romantic breakup. T asked how it made me feel that he said that. I said I didn't know...how in a way, it did feel like that. He asked if it was that it bothered me that it felt that way or if it was because H was talking about it. I said I wasn't sure--definitely felt awkward with H talking about it.

I said how I hated that MC tried to deny so many things. I said to him that I wondered if MC would tell him the same stuff he’d tell me. Like I mentioned to him today how I’d had an hour-long phone call with MC while I was in a crisis 2 years ago. T said if he was talking to MC, he wondered if MC would tell him it was an hour, or if he’d be like, “Oh, it was about 5 minutes I think." I thought it was interesting that T thought MC might not be honest with him...

I said I guessed the common thread in teacher and MC is they got freaked out when I brought up love (though I'd shared that with MC before...). T asked if I often had trouble controlling feelings for other people. I asked if he meant in general, and he meant male authority figures, particularly MC. I said I didn't know--that it wasn't a general thing. But with MC, there were times in the past where I thought we should reduce sessions and start pulling back, being less dependent on him. T asked when that was, say, a year ago? I said yes, or even more. He asked what stopped me. I said I didn't know--it was like MC had this ability to just kind of suck me back in...

He asked if I was able to pull back--what would my ideal relationship with MC, as a therapist, look like? I had some trouble answering that. I said part was not feeling so dependent. That I'd be able to look at him as a kind person who had helped me, but not feel like I needed him, to be less attached. T said he thought it was OK for some attachment to be there.

He said he thinks of the relationships he has with some longer-term clients. And he hasn't asked them, but he imagines they would feel there is trust and caring there, how the client probably liked talking with him and would miss it if they stopped seeing each other, and that maybe the client would say they wished they could have been friends with T if they'd met him in different setting, but understand that in the current relationship, that could never work. Because of the power imbalance, how he knows stuff about a client that their closest friends likely don't know, but they don't know much about him.

I said that's part of what made things confusing with MC. Because he did share so much. And also that we'd end up just chatting about stuff in session for a long time, like sports. How at one point, H said he felt like he should invite MC over to watch a playoff game. T said the fact that he had that thought suggested an issue in the therapeutic relationship. That MC isn't keeping the lines/boundaries of the relationship clear enough. I said that it did feel that way, not just in the sense of individual (with me) vs. marriage counseling, but with the marriage counseling itself.

It was time to schedule. I asked if there was any chance we could meet again later this week, since I'm still struggling with all this. He said either I could contact him later in the week, or we could schedule and if I feel better tomorrow, could cancel. So we scheduled for Thursday.

As I was walking to his desk to pay, I said I'm not usually this needy, that I'm not going to be asking for this all the time, extra sessions, e-mail, etc. That I'm just going through a rough time right now. He said he wasn't sure how I'd take this (my thought: uh-oh!), but that this is his job. As long as I pay him and he has availability, it's completely fine. He's not going to offer me time he doesn't have available. That it's a business relationship. And he does have to pay for groceries and stuff. I said actually, it helped to hear that.

We shook hands as he said, "Take care." I said, "You too." Then he added, "I'm sorry you're struggling so much." I said, "Thank you" and headed out.