Tonight was so hard, so intense...

Honestly, I only about 40% of it, but I do want to get it down.

We started with my typical "I feel awkward - heh - how do we start" couple of minutes, until I eventually told him I'd planned to come in and "open a box" (visual mental exercise we do to talk about the stuff i've 'boxed up' in my head over the years). However, I was having a lot of resistance. We talked enough for me to tell him the box was labeled "Mom" and was very large.

He talked me through getting the box down, which probably took a good 10-15 minutes in and of itself, because I was just feeling so much "let's do this" then "stop" then "ok we can try" then "nope can't do it." The first 'try' I couldn't tell him how heavy the box was because I wouldn't let myself feel it. So, he had me put it back and walked me through it much more slowly. I stumbled on every single response when he'd ask me things, because I just had this nagging part telling me that he was laughing at me, that this was a joke and ridiculous to him. That I was acting like an idiot and was stupid and should be so embarrassed (which I was) (more on that later.)

We had a bit of frustration because I kept telling him I would "try." "I'll try to lift the box, I'll try to take it down, I'll try to open it." He didn't seem to understand what I meant by "I'm not sure if I CAN open it." I got frustrated at that -- I don't understand why he doesn't understand that there's every possibility I'm going to look in the box and see nothing--not even the box, because my own mind won't LET me.

We got to "cutting the tape on the box," and then when he asked if I wanted to open the flaps, I had to stop again. Eventually, we opened it, I looked inside, and, frustrated, I told him there was nothing.

He asked what I saw - did I see the bottom of the box?

I said no - that I just saw dark

He said "it's too dark to see inside?"

I said no - it's just an empty void

He asked if I could draw it, and I said fine....and as I was drawing, it really all got a lot clearer, and eventually I realized I was drawing and seeing a like "thin but opaque" fabric on top of whatever's in the box - the fabric was actually the color of a night sky.

I don't even know how any of this works -- and that's as far as we got with the box. I wound up saying I couldn't do this if I didn't explain to him first "that I'm not the only one doing this; I'm not the only one in my head." I was really emotional during this - I told him I was trying to figure out what was safe to tell him/say to him about parts stuff. I kept unintentionally slipping and saying "parts-type speak" that I seriously have NEVER used in my life, and when it happened, I shut down immediately.

I think I eventually managed to convey that my "highest adult self" as Group T likes to call it of course wants to do this work, but that there's another part that just wants to cling to him, and another telling me that he's laughing at me and thinks this is stupid that I'm stupid. I honestly didn't get to convey as much as I wish I could've, but I do know this:

He brought up the 'daddy' stuff again. Said that if that's part of our dynamic (which it is), then that means it's his job to offer guidance.

He was really insistent that I make eye contact/look at him during the last 10-15 min of the session as he was talking to me - he said "I am real." and he kept saying that he was worried I wouldn't remember what he was saying. and he referenced some things I said and said "I don't know if you even remember saying these things," which I didn't, but do now, but I was like such a mess at that time I couldn't seem to remember much of anything.

He told me that I'm too hard on myself, and I asked him what that even meant. He said that I say insulting, harsh things about myself (referenced my saying - as indicated above - how I was being stupid by doing this, etc.). He said he didn't like when I did that/didn't want me to do that (I can't remember which) and asked me to promise him that I'd work on stopping that. I told him I would and already was.

He asked me to look at him again -- when I said the bit about the part that just wanted to cling to him -- his voice got really gentle when I said that and he asked me to look at him and asked what I saw in him when I said that (like, did I see disgust, humor, rejection) -- I said I saw that he was ok with it. I'm getting emotional writing about this part now though, because I still so badly want to cling to him, especially right now, because tonight was so intense.

He said to look at him again and said he wanted me to walk away tonight knowing that I'd done really good work with my therapist, that we'd made progress, and that I would come back and we'd do this next time and the next time and the next time (combatting the 'every session is the last session' fear of mine, which he wants me to work on, but how CAN I... nobody can promise a 'next session.' - he just said that it's far more likely than not that nothing will take him away before the next session).

At one point, he told me - like didn't even ask just told me - 'drop your arm and look at me' - all assertive like, which I'm trying to decide how I feel about - and that was when he asked what did I see in him when I expressed my fear that he didn't believe any of the things I'd been talking about -- I told him I didn't know -- and I don't -- I don't know how to tell if someone believes me or not by looking at them. I don't trust myself to know that.

Some talk somewhere in there about him wanting me to keep asking him his beliefs and feelings about me to keep checking with him about it - not just sitting with my fear of it/guessing.

and now m brain is fritzing out and it's all going back to mush and mist and nothingness and I just want C and am sitting here crying like my daughter did tonight for me -- worn out and just needing my comfort and to cling to me which she never does but tonight she did because she hit me and I had to hold a boundary getting her to say 'i'm sorry' instead of just getting to go run off and I don't even know if I handled it right because all I could think was how here I was holding her against me, rocking her and telling her I loved her and everything was ok and I was here and rubbing her back and all I wanted was someone (C) to do that for me tonight

and no I just remembered he also said that thing again about needing to trust him/having no choice but to trust him on these things and also something about how we're getting into scary, intense things together, and all of the comfort and reassurance can't just come from me, that I need it to come from him. Which I basically heard as "this isn't something you can do alone," which I wish I'd asked him is what he meant, because I feel like I need to hear that - that I'm not supposed to/can't do this alone and that he knows that... idk

I'm a mess. tired. crying. mess. and I want C so badly I feel like I'm going to combust