(((Fluffy)))
It sounds like you need a HUG!

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Don't know how to trust someone. i seriously have no idea.

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This takes time, Fluff. It's okay that you don't know how right now.

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he says he cares.. what does that mean? i'm not joking. i don't know

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I don't know him, so I don't know either. This would be a good question to ask him. Mine told me that he cared for me as a human being. This was his response to me when I told him I wanted him to like me as he would a friend/family member. It clearly was not one of his best responses, LOL. I wrote back to him and said things like I know you care about me like an inhabitant on Earth, etc. I think when one says he/she cares, that it means a different thing to each different person.

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when he does not give me what i feel i needed, what do i do? should i be angry? sad? upset? indifferent

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You should let yourself feel what you feel at the moment! You should let your T know, no matter what feelings you are having. You can't think, okay in this situation I should feel angry, and up come the angry emotions. It just doesn't work that way

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i tell him. i do. i want to be a whole person. but i do not understand these things. i do not know how to act, think or feel.

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Me neither. But, that will come.

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i suck as a human being.

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According to whom? That's not how I see you. I know how you feel, though. I can definitely empathize with you.

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why cant i be people too? what happened to me? would i have been different in a different environment growing up? would it have mattered if someone could have noticed that i was a different child and could have dealt with that? (i was intelligent and extremely inquisitive.. which also made me more difiant)

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You can be what you want to be, when you figure what that is. Things may or may not have been different in other circumstances. But you're here now. Keep pushing up the hill! I know that we will someday cross over the top and be able to go downhill for awhile!

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i don't know... i am having a hard time believing in the possibility of real change, real help. i dont see many people just doing so well with therapy, fewer getting results. i don't feel i can be helped and i cannot envision what that changed me would look like

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Fluff, there is ALWAYS hope.

I know I'm giving you advice on things that I am also suffering through. Why are we so perseverative? Because there is always hope! We all CAN do this. I think the main ingredients are Patience, Acceptance, and loving-kindness.