I've been reading a lot on this board, but hadn't worked up the courage to post. I don't know where to start/if I should start/if I should even say anything. It feels like there's both too much and too little to say.

I was diagnosed with DID 10 years ago, but I don't have DID, and being diagnosed just made my symptoms all worse. Then the psychiatrist who diagnosed me tried to keep me from getting a job out of college because of DID. But he didn't succeed and I never spoke about DID or anything like it again for 10 years.

I don't have DID, because I don't lose time day to day like (I just have big gaping holes in my past) or have parts with different names and identities. But it's not that simple, and I still don't know what's safe to talk about.

Reading through here, everyone just talks about it so freely. With all this understanding about how "your system works," and I just can't even look at mine. (even saying that - mine - feels so unsafe like I should delete it and run...I don't know.) Group T has asked for ages, and I can't even look to tell her ages. I just can't. it would make it too real too defined.

Sorry. rambling in different directions.

After 10 years I've just breached the topic of parts with a new therapist and a Group therapist, and it's chaos. I can't tell if the Ts believe me (they say they do, they look like they do I think, but they don't know everything, I haven't told them everything I keep it as 'normal' as I can)... or think I'm making everything up for attention. I can't figure out what's safe to talk about, what's real, what I might accidentally be making up without knowing because I think that might happen. I'm always afraid people will think I'm making things up for attention. Always.

I guess I'm just saying I don't know what to do. I'm envious of how freely some of you talk about this. But I also feel like my hands are tied. I can't just decide to talk. And maybe it's safest not to. I feel like an imposter here already. I'm scared you guys won't believe me and will think I'm making it up too. Always always that fear always.

so just... hi.