Quote:
Originally Posted by toomanycats
I've been reading a lot on this board, but hadn't worked up the courage to post. I don't know where to start/if I should start/if I should even say anything. It feels like there's both too much and too little to say.
I was diagnosed with DID 10 years ago, but I don't have DID, and being diagnosed just made my symptoms all worse. Then the psychiatrist who diagnosed me tried to keep me from getting a job out of college because of DID. But he didn't succeed and I never spoke about DID or anything like it again for 10 years.
I don't have DID, because I don't lose time day to day like (I just have big gaping holes in my past) or have parts with different names and identities. But it's not that simple, and I still don't know what's safe to talk about.
Reading through here, everyone just talks about it so freely. With all this understanding about how "your system works," and I just can't even look at mine. (even saying that - mine - feels so unsafe like I should delete it and run...I don't know.) Group T has asked for ages, and I can't even look to tell her ages. I just can't. it would make it too real too defined.
Sorry. rambling in different directions.
After 10 years I've just breached the topic of parts with a new therapist and a Group therapist, and it's chaos. I can't tell if the Ts believe me (they say they do, they look like they do I think, but they don't know everything, I haven't told them everything I keep it as 'normal' as I can)... or think I'm making everything up for attention. I can't figure out what's safe to talk about, what's real, what I might accidentally be making up without knowing because I think that might happen. I'm always afraid people will think I'm making things up for attention. Always.
I guess I'm just saying I don't know what to do. I'm envious of how freely some of you talk about this. But I also feel like my hands are tied. I can't just decide to talk. And maybe it's safest not to. I feel like an imposter here already. I'm scared you guys won't believe me and will think I'm making it up too. Always always that fear always.
so just... hi.
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if this was me the first thing I would do is get re tested. 10 years is a long time and diagnostics have changed. what was called DID 10 years ago is not whats called DID today. short version america went through major changes in mental health care, diagnostics and tests 4 years ago.
let me give you a small example of this change... there is now a new dissociative disorder for people who do not lose time. its called OSDD (other specified dissociative disorder.) my point right there you would not have to worry about being called DID. you would be right in not having DID.
I talk freely about my system because I learned in therapy about me and my system. I am now whats called integrated. thats when all my alters and I became one whole person again. as a result of many years of therapy and this integration everything that my alters were is now me. my point give it some time, it takes time to be able to understand how and who you are and be able to talk about it freely.
the key to knowing whats safe to talk about is just follow your gut, your feelings, if it doesnt feel safe to talk about then dont when something feels safe to talk about do. think of it like talking to your best friend, you just know whether you would say something to your friend or not say something to your friend about what every you are talking about. well talking about dissociation is the same way you will know when its safe for you to say something and when it isnt. its just a how the brain and making our own decisions works kind of thing. like deciding to have a drink of water or having a cup of coffee or having milk. just listen to what you want and need and then you will know what to talk about. (heres a great example you have 810 posts, how did you know to post those, talking freely about dissociation works the same way, maybe you can reread your posts and they can help you to remember how you were able to do, talk about those things you put in those posts freely)
as for what to do now... you just keep following what ever your treatment providers tell you to do. they are the ones in the best position to help you with any mental problems you may be having, they are the ones that are treating you.
us not believing you... well lets put it this way.... in real life do you believe everything someone tells you, of course not right, you use your best judgement and decide for your self what you like and dont like, what you believe and dont believe. well you have been on psych central for a while now so you know that psych central is a little different than real life, we cant say to someone we dont believe them and all that stuff. instead we choose who we want to reply to and who we dont, who we want on our friends list and so on, but we never tell someone something like we dont believe them, we have to accept that what they post is what is real for that person who posted it. its that simple. if you get any unsupportive replies you probably already know this but I will remind you incase you have forgotten.. just click on the report button on the post that someone has said they didnt believe you and then the moderators will take it from there.