It is scary and causes me much fear.

I talked about it with my counselor last night and it was a very good feeling to voice it in honesty, and feel safety in doing so.

He understood, considering what we have talked about my childhood being like.

I think I was actually seeing attachment as being "attached" to someone.

Like "really" attached.

I don't know how to put it into words. I guess attached in a way that is not good.

Responsible for making them ok.

Attached, as if "chained" to them.

Attached as if "the ship was going down" and thee was no way to get off.

I think I've always seen it as a job to ensure safety for me, and I've never known what autonomy has felt like in a relationship with another person.

I have not been on the receiving side of attachment that was respect for me.

It always felt like it was their way or the highway, when I got old enough for that to really be an option.

I haven't felt like I had the right to make choices or do something that was "me" if it went against what they wanted. If I did that, any attachment that was as twisted as it was, would surely be snatched away from me.

So, he gave me a new word to dive into.

Autonomy.

I knew I had heard the word before, but I had no idea what definition to give it.

He gave me a picture definition that I can still see.

He described it as two trees growing in the forest. Each tree is sperarate, growing side by side, each is it's own self. As they grow upward, their branches intertwine and the shelter they form becomes "one" but they are still separate.

I thought that was really cool!

That's something that I have not experienced before.

Just wanted to share it here.