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Old Jan 24, 2018, 01:18 AM
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TrailRunner14 TrailRunner14 is offline
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Member Since: Feb 2016
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 4,457
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amyjay View Post
I struggle greatly with these words and concepts. As a parent I feel like I act these things out rather than feel them. There are times where this "acting" becomes apparent and I feel like I am revealed as an imposter. I hope what I have been able to give my children is "enough".

But for myself I don't feel a connection to any of those things. At the core of me I am not worthy of offering them to another person.
This internal shame and unchallengeable unworthiness is one of the primary reasons I am in therapy. Intellectually I don't believe I am any more unworthy than any one else. But emotionally it is an undeniable truth of my being. I don't want it to be this way forever.
Thank you for this!

I struggle with this so greatly!

I've always tried to be what was not for me, for my boys.

I've always prayed that they would not see through me. I have prayed that they would not know that I am being the part and so wanting to feel it.

It hurts me to type that. My hands are not mine.

I have tried so very hard to cover up and be what was not given to me. Sometimes, almost always, it feels like I am overcompensating.

I look in their eyes and there is something there that says they understand.

I love them more than life myself and I so hope they feel what I cannot.

I don't want to feel that I am not worthy.

I want to feel that I was cared for.

In my mind and heart that makes this all different.

There is healing in those words. It makes it not my burden of my making, if that makes sense.

Sorry...... I'm rambling.

Thank you AmyJay for your comment, it opened up what I was feeling.
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"What is denied, cannot be healed." - Brennan Manning

"Hope knows that if great trials are avoided, great deeds remain undone and the possibility of growth into greatness of soul is aborted." - Brennan Manning

Last edited by TrailRunner14; Jan 24, 2018 at 01:49 AM. Reason: typo