William, It Was Really Nothing

Sorry. I felt a compulsion to shout out that old Smith’s song bit.

Now. You’re 30-years-old (or around that) and you’ve not had sex during the past year (or thereabouts)?

And you’ve been hurt, no, you are hurting because you’re last relationship ended badly for you?

I don’t think my timeline is quite right? You lived alone for 30 years previous to this last relationship that ended almost one-year back?

When we’re to the point of wondering why we allowed ourselves to become a person that we don’t like, it’s time to take a look at the past, I think. You really have no choice but to accept the past - it’s done, time is linear, what’s done is done.

I never thought that, at my age, I would be sexually active, again. Sex and companionship may not be part of your life now but, whatever your age, do you really want to rule them out for the next three decades?

Your past is your past... you existed in that past, you exist now. You know of the time travel conundrum(s)? Yes, well, time travel isn’t possible - but we become who we are at any given second because of choices that we make. If we’re a bit off - crazy as a loon, am I - our choices might be curious to others. But the choices were made and we are expected to move on. Who expects this horrible thing of us? Well, it’s a homo sapien thing. As a species we seem to be able to survive and still live through the most terrifying, most petrifying ideas/experiences and still find reasons to live on.

If you are fortunate enough to find yourself in an immobilizing fear of death, you go on.

When I wrote of years spent in bed that Wasn’t. Exactly. True.

I didn’t lay in my own waste. I didn’t starve. I paid my rent. I retrieved my mail (even if whilst others slept). I (even if just barely) lived on.

So will you. And you can choose to participate in sex and companionship or not but if you choose ‘not’ you better have a good god-damned reason because both are about as good as it gets before you die.

Speaking for myself, I don’t think that sex or companionship will be available after death.

My two cents. Be well.