I had an unintended pregnancy in my early 20s and rather quickly realized that I wasn't going to be able to raise a child with the complete lack of support I was facing, from my family to the, uh, "donor," let's just say -- he doesn't qualify as a father. I had horrible parenting role models and I was at least self-aware enough to know that I would ruin a child's life.

I chose to go through with the pregnancy and place my son for adoption. It was and is life-altering. The grief can be soul-crushing. It is the primary cause of my mental health issues, even moreso than my childhood abuse. I am beyond blessed because about 4 years ago, his adoptive mom decided to seek me out, and has been wonderful about providing pictures and info. For the last couple years, I have had direct email contact with my son himself. It's been very healing -- but not enough.

I grieve that I was not stable enough, mature enough, to see through what I started and raise my son myself. But I knew when I held him for the first time that he deserved much more than he was going to get from me. He's had an absolutely blessed, charmed life and I am ecstatic for him.

I eventually did enough work on myself that I thought I might be able to be a good mom, but it was bordering on too late, biologically, by the time I got there, and there were no potential daddies in the picture. I believe children do better with two parents who are committed to each other and to the child.

But I have found other ways to have kids in my life. I really don't do well with little ones. They're cute, but they're an insane amount of time and energy, and I'm not always very patient. Teaching college for several years allowed me to mentor dozens of students at an age group I could cope with, and many of them stay in touch with me, years after they left my class. That is very gratifying, to know I have affected someone's life at an age where I needed what I was giving them and didn't get for myself. Two of them wrote me glowing letters of recommendation when I was seeking a teaching job here.

Could you teach art? Could you look into Big Brothers/Big Sisters? The school district here has mentoring programs, where adults take an hour or so a week during the school day to spend with an at-risk child and talk, or play games, or help with homework. Maybe there is something like that in your area.

I never really felt like I would be an incomplete woman if I didn't give birth, but having done so and not having had the opportunity to raise that child has been devastating. I've learned to compensate for the crater in my heart in other ways. And really, you create life too, in your art. It's just via a different method.

(((((((((DPM))))))))