I posted a thread here back in December. Please read my backstory: https://forums.psychcentral.com/psyc...e-therapy.html - This is continuation of that thread, an update of thoughts if you want:

Transference. Attachment. Love. Pain. How to call the most wonderful feeling that i ever experienced in my life, the life that offered me so few good moments. This very feeling that has kept me alive all this time, since i started therapy 1/2 years ago. This feeling that made me feel alive again after many years of total darkness, always followed by the most intense emotional pain that i have ever experienced. Physically, like a dagger stabbing my chest that i am unable to remove it.

The blows that I have experienced over the years have left their marks, and an emptiness. My scars long have yearned for her tender caress. I started to feel like i mean something because of her caring, compassion and empathy. I have spend most of my life trying to find myself. Always failing. Always asking myself why can't i form bonds with others. I needed a guide like her, to show me who i really am. And she did, she formed me, she allowed me to expose my true self. But it was never enough.
Her eyes are striking, her personality so beautiful that fills my small heart with so much love and my soul with positive energy. I always feel warm and secure when we are talking during our sessions. She gave a place to be, a second home, a better home. It is the first time that i felt like this, after 28 years. I was emotionally neglected. I wished so much that my therapist will fill the void that has been created during my life.

I am nothing but a stupid broken person. In her eyes, a weak client, nothing more. It pains me that i am not able to spend some more time with the only person that truly made me happy. It hurts even more, up to the point where i cant breathe, when i think about her and her husband. She is happily married. I know it is not possible to get involved romantically, i am not sure if this is what i desire. I wish to be to her as important as she is to me. I want her as a friend, at least. I wish for me and her to be a team, to help each other. I want to feel her caring. I miss her so much, i think about her all the time. Nothing seems to be important, nothing seems to make me happy because she is not here with me.
I told her how i am feeling, that i wish to remove this pain somehow. I have the impression that she does not understand me, or she does not know how to manage this situation. And i just don't know what to do, i don't know what to do when she makes me sad.
I wish that my life would offer me something good, something to make the pain less intense and to replace my thoughts of her. But i does not, it never does.

I wrote her a long email before our previews session. I mentioned that i love and adore her, and my desires. At our meeting she chose to ignore that email. I asked her "can we discuss the letter that i send you last week?" She said we will talk about it at our next session which is next week. I am feeling left down, neglected and disappointed. I feel like i failed her, and she is giving up on me. I came to the realization that her caring is just in the professional level. I don't think i mean something to her outside of her office.
I am not sure if i am going to tell her that my suicidal ideations are back. How to tell my therapist that i want to end my life someday, because of her, because of transference that interrupted the therapy and my healing process. Someday she will be gone, someday she will turn her attention to somebody else, and this is the time for me to go. I will have nothing else to look forward to. I am so emotionally drained, tired, alone, i cannot stand it anymore. At the beginning, i cried because her caring was something new to me, it was a beautiful feeling. Now i cry because the pain is unbearable. She, her husband, her life without me, it is all to much.

I am thankful that i have met my therapist, and she did help me in the first months of therapy. But then, transference happened and it all started to go downfall. I never experienced reciprocal love. It's sad to die without knowing the feeling of being loved, isn't it? I have no idea why i am writing this. Therapy was the last chance, my last hope to change my life. I don't know what to do. I am at work and can't concentrate, i am listening to sad songs. I started taking non prescribed bromazepam to relax, but it is not working. There are many kind people in this forum, with a good heart. I wish you all the best and please don't fall in this trap like i did. Farewell.