I hope it's ok that I'm copy/pasting this from my own 'journals' so to speak, but it accurately answers this question...

I said this above too, but, the truth is that part of me does want to 'look'... (I'm hoping you can somewhat understand what I mean by that). But I'm hung up on whether it's OK for me to 'look,' and, if I do, whether what I 'see' will be believable or if it'll all just be made up. Plus, another part of me is absolutely against 'looking' again -- it feels like to 'look' would 'make things worse' because things might get clearly defined again, and that feels like it must be 'fake' because wouldn't they already be clearly defined if it was real?

And, the amount of talking about this stuff that's already happened already seems to have ripped some of my control away (and I think I must've worked very very hard to get that control). I'm saying more than the control is ever supposed to allow, and the more I say, the more real it all seems to get, and the more that slips through the cracks in my own brain, causing me to 'see' things about my inner world/system/whatever that I don't know if I can trust to be real or if it's all a big projection and it's happening because I'm 'letting myself make it up again.'