I am currently a 19 year old adult yet I still feel as if I am a child at times. I apologize ahead of time for the vulgar language that will be used in this post but I censor it all and they are only used as examples.

Throughout my life there are few moments that I can recall feeling truly happy and the few moments that I have felt true happiness were a long time ago. Ever since I was a young child, young enough to say that I have trouble recalling exactly how young I was when it began, I have been physically and verbally/emotionally abused by my father. I can remember times that me and my younger brother would do things that most would consider normal of children such as having a messy room or general misbehavior in youth and our father's reaction would often be to take a belt upon us and proceed to whip us with it sometimes leaving bruises or other marks in places easy to conceal, he also struck us with his hand on several occasions whether it was "spanking" or a slap across the face or similar actions. He has also been very verbally and emotionally abusive saying such things as "Your going nowhere in life" and calling me things such as "Psycho ******", "Stupid C**t" “Disgusting” etc.

I have severe depression and anxiety and have had a history of self harm, I struggled in high school because of these struggles and from about the age of 13 I have experienced symptoms of dissociation. My father is also extremely religious and has told me indirectly severally that I am going to hell because of me being pansexual which has also contributed to the emotional distress that I have felt throughout my life. I have also been thrown about between homes from my father when I finally ran away from the situation at the age of 18 to staying with my grandmother who at the time seemed understanding but then threw me away back into the horrid situation only giving me a week to find somewhere to live thus forcing me back into the same abusive household and into the same toxic environment. I am now told on a daily basis to simply "get over your pathetic self" by my father. My father is also blind and since I was about 10 years old I have been taking care of him only to be screamed at and hit when I did something wrong. We also have opposing political views and thanks to him watching so much mainstream news he now refers to me as a "snowflake" every time I have an emotional breakdown. When I have an anxiety attack I am apparently throwing a fit or having a temper tantrum in his eyes. He cannot understand the way I feel about anything and downright refuses to. When I do try to explain my feelings to him and I am quickly dismissed as "A p#ssy *ss snowflake" or "A dumb ****** who has no clue how the world works".

My brother acts quite honestly as if he has been brainwashed agreeing with everything that his father has to say going so far as to say that me and him deserve all of these horrible things that have happened to us in our lives and he hardly ever defends himself when our father calls him retarded or yells at him about how he can't do anything right. I have been told by separate people that both PTSD and Borderline Personality (traits) were possibilities but anyone that I have seen says that I definitely have Depression and Anxiety.

Phone calls are one of the things that trigger my anxiety and I have been yelled at and called a "crybaby ******" for wanting to wait to make any kind of necessary phone calls. I do manage to make such phone calls but only when I am not constantly being criticized and pressured to do so as this only causes me even more stress than the high amount of stress that I already encounter on a daily basis trying to live in this kind of a home while being a full-time current college student and coping with the depression and anxiety I already had. I am constantly being told how selfish and immature I am for wanting to be left alone when he puts this pressure upon me or when I am having a depressive episode. My mother passed away when I was around 14 years of age although she had already not been a stable person in my life for about four years prior and I have also been compared to her in the past by my father.

There are many times when I am either trying to get work done for my college classes or simply trying to keep myself sane in this kind of a household and he will pressure me even further telling me to “stop being a candy *ss and get s**t done around here” at other times he will say that I am being lazy and that he is tired of “dealing with my bulls**t”. It is extremely difficult for me to cope with all of this when I hardly ever get a break because I rarely have an opportunity to leave home and sometimes I just don’t want to because of my anxiety of being around people. When I am in public spaces I just can’t help but to feel like there is constantly someone there looking at me or that people are judging me negatively. I just feel stuck in this situation as my only other choices are living on the streets or some sort of shelter and if I end up in a shelter I won’t be able to help out very much because of the heavy emotional load that I feel. At times I seriously do think of what it would be like if my life would just come to an end and while I am not actively suicidal I do think about death I feel an unhealthy amount and I am passively suicidal in the sense I seriously feel that if I died naturally by some sort of accident I wouldn’t really mind. My father throws things such as phones, silverware, plates out of anger and then he says things to other people on the phone and in person as “she’s such a crybaby ******, I can’t deal with her bulls**t all the d*mn time, I might as well buy her some f#cking diapers while I’m at it” (yes, this is an actual quote from him, he said it earlier today in fact).
He also made fun of me for even considering becoming a freelance artist when I was younger, laughed right in my face and told me to face reality and did similar things with all of my other interests. He even laughed at me when he first found out that I had cut myself as if it was no big deal and has said many times that he wouldn’t really care if I did kill myself because it would be god’s decision to judge me in the end and he did nothing to me so he would feel no regrets, I’m sorry but when you have had suicidal thoughts since the age of 12 there is definitely something wrong and not something that anyone should be poking fun at as if they are watching some sort of sitcom.
I am just unsure as to what steps I should be taking to get the hell out of here as quickly as I possibly can without as I said, being forced into some kind of shelter or on the streets. I really don’t want to give up on my dreams of actually having a positive future quite yet and I want to force my way through college but even that is a bit of a struggle as things are, I am seeing a therapist soon and I am taking all of the steps to attempt to help my mental health but it again is a difficult situation and my mental health I feel is declining simply by living where I am. I am unsure what sort of advice or wisdom anyone can provide me here but if nothing else I feel it could at least help to share a bit of my story here and hopefully let off some steam so thank you all for reading through this admittedly pretty long post.