Quote:
Originally Posted by L.P.
So I've had this on my mind lately and figured I would put i out here and see if anyone had thoughts on this...
Do you think you need to know everything that happened? Not just for the sake of healing and moving forward, but also because it might just come out eventually as you become more aware of yourself as a whole?
I've been chewing on that idea off and on for a week or so now. I've been, to the best of my awareness, myself (no switching or time loss moments that I know of) for over a month now. I know I have not fully integrated or anything, but I have been having partial integration/mesh up things (two or more of us come together to be one) and I feel this will continue on. Integration is my goal as of now. And it seems to me that as I integrate, it makes sense that I would get memories held by others as this process continues on. I still have huge chunks of my life just gone from my awareness... my memory seriously looks like a piece of swiss cheese... Anyway, I wonder if that is true... do you get all the holes filled in or will some stuff just be gone. I mean, people who don't have DID have memory blanks that never come back. Maybe some stuff will just stay hidden from me. But then I worry... well if that happens, will I still have some terrified part of me somewhere in my head afraid and alone? That seems cruel to say the least. I dunno. Ultimately I understand that I will either know or I will not and I doubt that I have much if any say in that so I will either deal with it when it comes or not deal with it because it does not... still, I wonder.
-Avery
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When all of this starting unraveling about 5 years ago, it was very hard for me to take it in or make sense of it. It was scary and I found myself sitting in the floor asking why this was all happening.
I knew all of these fragments that were coming at me were there, but they had always been safely put away. At that point they were coming at me like a slideshow. That's all I get back from them is fragments. There is no ending to them and they are much like the swiss cheese you describe.
Because of the anxiousness I was (and still do) feeling I set about to "figure this out" and try my best to recovery the endings of what is just blank space now. Make sense out of it. Understand it. Put some reason to it.
There's an analytical part of me that does that job and it terrifies the other parts of me. Analytical wants to know the truth and fit the pieces together but the other parts of me do not want to see what was blocked out for my safety.
Truthfully I would like to know what really happened, but again there is a fear that it would shatter me if I were to "see" it. I know it's in the past. I know that it can't actually hurt me now.
Actually, I think it would hurt me deeply to know the real truth and not just the speculation. With speculation there is always that "what if" of it not being true.
For me it's kind of hard to talk about my thoughts about this. There are two extremes and I can't find a middle place of letting it be what it is.
There is actually a protector part of me standing between me and a place that I don't know the end of. The two opposing sides are caught in this place. We've been here a few weeks and it's not very comfortable.
I guess because of the impact of the truth, that may never be known, it seems neither side will give.
Thank you for posting this!