I forget what my name was on here before- Nathan maybe? I have been having a relapse of issues in the last few weeks. My dr's still diagnose me as bipolar but not specific/for sure. She says she doesn't think I have it, but the insurance wants a diagnosis. Whatever! I've heard voices- mostly calling my name- when there was NOBODY there! I've seen things- shapes- in the sky- clear as day! Meanwhile, I'm having mania - which is VERY tiring! My mind just can't shut off, I can't think straight, I have staggering when I walk sometimes, and all they do is give me Valium! Whoopee. So I've missed a lot of work- partly because of "take the week off and here's Valium" after my hands were shaking so bad I couldn't stop them, and I couldn't walk straight, or talk straight, and I couldn't concentrate enough to count!. And today I honestly thought I had figured out the answer to my life and possibly the whole world. Yes I did! I was totally in manic mode - so much so that I crashed emotionally and started bawling and my boyfriend called and ... ugh! So now I am plain exhausted. I've been in the hospital for intestinal infections- back morphine there, to oxycodone at home, to valium, and the usual depakote and celexa at home. I think these meds are making me worse. A while back, I had a time when I wasn't sure if the world made sense anymore which made me freak out- if all the laws of the world suddenly change on you, I think that's only natural! *sigh* My social worker still thinks I'm fine and my primary dr. just said I had anxiety and gave me valium, as I said. Today, I just suffered. Tried like heck to "self-sooth".... I needed a lot of support, as even music and reading didn't do it, this time.........

I know that's a lot for one post. I guess I can post details later, if anybody wants. I am just exhausted and fed up. I am emotionally "lible", as they say. Movies and music are way more "on" and sometimes that's really cool and sometimes that completely freaks me out!!

I need to go to bed..........