DePressMe,

This is very sad, but I do think you did the right thing. I too have struggled with my mental illness since I was young. My first suicide attempt was when I was 11...trust me it was no "cry for help" I ended up very ill.

If someone had told me that the mental illness I have and fight everyday of my life, could be inherited, I too would have made the decision to never have children. Unfortunately, no one even mentioned the possibility and sadly I never even thought about it. I really thought I only needed to mature, that I would grow out of it.

I had 4 children, 2 children deal with depression.. probably due to my own instability, but my youngest, she has my mental illness. That is more than sad.... it is awful!

I see my daughter have to deal with this illness and I feel so guilty and so responsible. Now the doctors try to point out that I am her best advocate, that I can help her because of my own experience, not much comfort to me really.. In fact a few years ago I was hospitalized because during a bout of my own psychotic depression I had planned to kill myself and my daughter to put us both out of our misery and struggles. It was a very difficult time for all of us.

My daughter struggles still, but the medications that they have now, therapy, and yes my own experiences, have helped her attain a level of functioning that I had never hoped was possible for myself.

Is it still hard? Do I still feel guilty and responsible for her pain and struggles, OH MY GOD YES!!!!

Looking back over my families life and even considering all the wonderful memories I have of all my children and hope to have in the future (although I really doubt that I will last that long), given a choice I would never have had children. It was/is far to painful and my daughter now feels the same way. We now know that my illness can be inherited, was inherited, and both feel that the struggles and pain this illness brings even on good days needs to stop somewhere. I am just sorry it wasn't with me.

Please take care of yourself and know that someone really admires your selfless decision.