That sounds so rough and I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't really have a professional opinion to offer but this reminds me of my parent's current situation.

My father was an alcoholic for my whole life. I watched him get hammered every night and of course there were some really bad episodes. He finally stopped drinking a couple years ago when he was diagnosed with bladder cancer and was given a dim prognosis. His last required treatment is actually tomorrow.

My Mom called me after last week's treatment when he was seeing a lot of blood in his urine from the therapy. She wanted to call the doctor but he went off on her claiming, "she just wanted to say he had cancer again". My Father is the kind of man who will ignore a problem at all costs. It took an act of God to convince him that the doctor he was initially seeing was not approaching his condition in the right way and get him to someone who could actually help him the way they should.

With out knowing much I'm guessing your husband may be similar. Just wanting to pin blame for the sake of resolution and move on so he doesn't have to face it. Like my Dad, urinating a noticeable volume of blood is the real problem. The most likely cause is that the nurse who inserted a rigid tube into his urethra did so without due care but it also reminds him of the symptoms leading to his diagnoses which scares the hell out of him. So the easiest way to face the situation is that his Wife of over 40 years is over reacting and further, wants him to be ill again. It sounds crazy to any third party of course but telling himself this lie allows him to believe that nothing is wrong with him and thus alleviates the need to face what caused the problem or it's consequences and how to deal with them.

I'm guessing (and I'm no therapist at all) that it's just easy for him to say it's your fault. That he can deal with quickly. The true cause is difficult to face and painful. All I can come up with is that he needs to somehow be more involved with his Therapy and meds as needed. As I consider it this may also be something I need to face.

I can't really say how to deal with this other than that I hope you at least can realize the truth of the matter and don't actually accept any blame for his condition (which it doesn't sound like you are). This is something he has to choose to face, you can't choose it for him. I hope he decides to face it with a professional that can help him resolve and understand the feelings impressed on him during his upbringing. This is a difficult time for you I'm sure. I pray he finds his way to someone that can show him the truth about why he is feeling this way. It may be really difficult for both of you at first but I think peace will be on the horizon then.

Best of luck to you both and remember people are here to talk to. I've honestly come to value a fresh perspective, especially in matters like this. Sorry I couldn't provide any references for you but your problem just struck home with how my parents are dealing with their current situation and I wanted to share what I've gleened from that for what it's worth.