Hi folks. I have bipolar disorder and terrible anxiety that really limits what I can do, but up until now I always passed screening for OCD. Any red flags got explained by the fact that I was suffering frim anorexia at the time, and even I thought my weird rituals were part of the eating disorder.

The main way my anxiety manifests is by being afraid I have a terminal illness. I don’t tell many doctors this but apparently my anxiety is so palpable that any time I see my GP she says whatever symptoms I have are just anxiety.

When I was a kid, I had to recite something before I fell asleep every night. But it kept getting longer, until it was so long that sometimes I’d struggle not to fall asleep until I finished. I never mentioned this to a doctor because I thought it went away. I HAVE mentioned that sometimes in public I can’t shake the fear that I’m going to randomly do something inappropriate like yell swear words. The doctor said everyone is afraid of that.

Since recovering from anorexia some of my rituals have gone away. But my anxiety is out of control. My psychiatrist is kind of just helping me learn to live with it because medication doesn’t even touch it.

My dad ended up in the hospital with a heart attack today and it’s like everything got thrown into overdrive. Counting things, if I get distracted I have to start again. My brain is saying if I do these things my dad will be ok. He IS ok, the doctors said it was the best case scenario, they put in a stent and said there was minimal damage, he’d be good as new. BUT WHAT IF?

I’m 34. Is that too old to develop (or worsen) OCD? I’d be inclined to think maybe it will go away but I’m not so sure. I’ll probably talk to my osychiatrist’s nurse tomorrow.

Funny thing is I work professionally in the theatre and going onstage isn’t scary at all.