Quote:
Originally Posted by L.P.
So I've had this on my mind lately and figured I would put i out here and see if anyone had thoughts on this...
Do you think you need to know everything that happened? Not just for the sake of healing and moving forward, but also because it might just come out eventually as you become more aware of yourself as a whole?
I've been chewing on that idea off and on for a week or so now. I've been, to the best of my awareness, myself (no switching or time loss moments that I know of) for over a month now. I know I have not fully integrated or anything, but I have been having partial integration/mesh up things (two or more of us come together to be one) and I feel this will continue on. Integration is my goal as of now. And it seems to me that as I integrate, it makes sense that I would get memories held by others as this process continues on. I still have huge chunks of my life just gone from my awareness... my memory seriously looks like a piece of swiss cheese... Anyway, I wonder if that is true... do you get all the holes filled in or will some stuff just be gone. I mean, people who don't have DID have memory blanks that never come back. Maybe some stuff will just stay hidden from me. But then I worry... well if that happens, will I still have some terrified part of me somewhere in my head afraid and alone? That seems cruel to say the least. I dunno. Ultimately I understand that I will either know or I will not and I doubt that I have much if any say in that so I will either deal with it when it comes or not deal with it because it does not... still, I wonder.
-Avery
|
Im not going to say its easier either way because for me most of the time I did not have all the memories of my alters and it happened for me after integration. so yea there is that chance that as the integration process for you progresses you may get more memories of what happened but yet it may turn out to be like me where you dont get any more until after each one has integrated with you.
what I can tell you is that before integration I did not mind that I didnt have all the memories and after integration it did hit me like a brick at times with discovering I knew about something that I hadnt previously known. but you know it kind of felt good for it to happen that way for me because in this respect I was just like any other normal person who had forgotten something and then one day suddenly remember it. though it hurt sometimes I could smile and say finally Im just like anyone else that has forgotten something and then remember their life events. it was actually nice to be normal. and just like normal people I worked with my therapist to understand the new memory and what it meant for my present and future. I mean I have been through the worst thing on earth and now they were just memories. I ended up thinking what now, how does knowing about this change me and my life now, what do I do with what I now know. I couldnt prosecute because they had already been prosecuted. I had no real reason that I had to tell anyone other than my therapist what I remembered. so it was more getting through the shock of it and learning that what I remembered had nothing to do with my life now so again I was just like any other normal person remembering a bad time in my life. I'm not saying it was easy, just that it felt good and there was nothing I really needed to do about the old but new to me memories. even now I sometimes remember something and my wife says so where does that fit in with us today and I smile and say it doesnt just something I used to know then forgot then its back again.
my point sometimes it does feel like getting hit with a brick and other times it doesnt. you just learn over time that you lived through the worst you will survive this. you may cry a bit or laugh or anything else but its now yours and that I can say is a great feeling when that happens.
give it time , how ever this integration process is going to happen for you is the way its supposed to happen for you. nothing is going to make remembering faster or slower, it just is.