I feel somewhat childish, inexperienced with relationships. I've had 2 long relationships (other than my husband who I was with for 5 years before we married). This last one has been over 2 years long.

It didn't take me long to realize there were things I might not be able to tolerate. But I'm inexperienced with addiction. He wasn't completely honest to me about how seriously he is dependent on his drug. He is just showing me the past 6 months the worst of him. Maybe longer than that. It came to pushing me to the floor when I was drunk last year. He said it was a rage. He's never done anything to me since then, except very irritable and verbally his words can hurt me a lot.

He likes everything to go smoothly. He says he understands that people have arguments, but it doesn't matter what I'm mentioning that I feel we need to communicate about, he will call it an argument. I do bring things up that I have before, but it is because things are unresolved until I get him to be clear about what he wants.

He wanted space, freedom, privacy. Fine. It's been over 2 years though, and it still feels like he wants to only see me one night a week. He doesn't treat me to dinners or buy me much. I'm not materialistic. But I do like to feel appreciated and most of the time I don't. I'm sometimes feeling used. Other times he makes me feel loved by the way he hugs me, cooks for me. But the cooking thing, is also a way to save money for him. What's wrong with going out for supper once in a while. He makes decent wages. He buys expensive things for himself. I get that it is his money and he can spend it as he wants to. It's just simple things, like he's gone and bought a coffee while with me and doesn't get me one. If i take too long shopping he gets irritable.

I know it doesn't look like we will work out. I know how it hurts though and I feel like I've given him so much of my heart. I feel like my heart will turn to a stone soon, it's been broken many times.

I told my bf this past weekend that I want to see someone else. He said "then I should be able to as well", so that's an agreement. I've seen this other man several times now. He is completely different. He has been more generous, but he's in too much of a hurry to be in a relationship. He's already saying somewhat jokingly, well this will be our bedroom someday, this will be our place. That's a bit creepy. I don't know much about him. And he not I, so I keep hinting that it takes a long time to get to know someone. He says he knows. But he said a few nights back "All men really want it sex". I said, well your honest. But not all men just want that. I want a man who cares to get to know me.

My bf knows me. Almost all of me. And has tolerated a lot of my crap.
But that doesn't mean I should keep investing my time in something that might not work. He's almost 60. Times running out for both of us. Retirement is around the corner. This other man is 3 years younger than me. He's more childish, I can see the difference between the two men. I'm confused and I want to give up on relationships, but I need love in my life, affection....