I've been like this for more than an year now and half an year of a prelude to this condition. I am 28 male, work as a legal adviser, however found a passion in programming, coding and decided to move to this totally new sphere and strive to become a developer or of that sort. However I am a shadow of myself without my daily Xanax fix. The constant thought of my grandmother's inivetiable death is always there, stuck with me, draining me out. It is not even a "thought"it is a background, the wallpaper of the room that is my mind. And it goes further like this - well, after her it will be your mother's turn (I don't care for my dad, so he is not included here). But meanwhile, Boris, you won't be able to enjoy life's pleasures and to achieve successes due your fears. You will be middle-aged Mr. Nobody, a never grown up Piter Pan man. But is it really so bad since now everything feels like old, life cycle - even vacations, Boris, even going to the beach, even going to concerts is now ruined for you... life is pointless... So for the weekend my main activity was lieing in bed and staring at the laptop, try to numb myself with youtube videos. Pleasures or even big repairs at home seem pointless since life is so rough and short, being happy makes me almost feel guilty... I obviously need help. I am still pretty sane and fully comprehend this is not about being phylosophical at nature, I am a person who needs help.

I have finally come across a good psychiatrist that is regulating my xanax in combination with antidepressants. She doesn't want me to stay hoocked to xanax for a long time tho, me neither, I dream of full "recovery". I ran out of pill this Wednesday, I am seeing her on Tuesday, however the substitute I am currently taking, which is not benzo-based and quite soft (Fluanxol) only keeps me from totally freaking out, however I am still crippled. I know the true answer to my suffering is therapy, I have tried several therapists for the last two years and they all sucked. I live in Bulgaria and probably the only good therapists are to be found in the capital city Sofia hence I plan seeking somebody there and travelling to visit them. Thing is I am sisturbed by the thought that I won''t find a suitable therapist for my case at all...

P.S. And I am anxious as a person although on the outside I am cheerful, joke-throwing dude, that different types of girls may fall for my ***, we all know the outside doesn't matter... When I was six I witnessed domestic violence from my father to my whole family. I was totally shocked, my grandmother was laying in a pile of blood. Unfortunately my parents got back together I few months later "for the sake of the child" which we all know is always a horrific decision and for those four years the atmospehre was not very good and at the end there was some more physical violence and finallymy dad was out of my life foor good. So basically it all starts with his, I am pretty sure. for example I sometimes remember the last chlamydia or STD tests I have undergone and my mind would put doubt in me if they were enough to be sure I am fine and healthy... I have been suffering generally with intruisive thoughts for more than half of my life, like the usual sexual-violent thoughts towards family members, or children, or in church, you name it... Or that time a few years ago I met my father at the street and we had a verbal fight and just before we separated our paths I hit him in the jaw - he was all fin and yelled at me... but when I went home I was thinking... what if now he is dead because I hit him? You get the idea, I guess...