Thank you for all the responses. I do not have BPD but when I talk to him about anything remotely emotional a switch goes off and I dissociate. I have vocal changes or neck spasms. I don't think I have full blown DID but have landed somewhere on the spectrum.
When he listens he actually hears me. He doesn't tell me that nothing is wrong. He doesn't tell me that other people are so much worse off than me or dismiss what I say. There are times I talk about stuff he will have tears in his eyes and I do not understand that. He obviously cares but my capacity to tap into the fact that he cares is missing.
What happened back then is a huge key to a few things that are part of my life. I was just so embarrassed of my raw emotion that I had to kill it. I was successful. Maybe too successful. The very thought of talking to him now about that makes my neck and cheeks burn red hot.
When people try to tell me that they care it's feels like water going off a ducks back. I want to connect with others but my inability to understand it emotionally makes me think that I am a trying to find a unicorn.
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