Drowning in anxiety today. I am just sick about having to go back to work. I am certain I will never make it four and a half months and will be forced to resign. My co-teacher didn’t say anything like glad you’re coming back or looking forward to seeing you or anything. Just that we will be in chapter 7 and to make sure I familiarize myself with it. The fuuuuck. How can I work next to this woman for four more months. I’m trying to just not care but it’s almost impossible.

I am sure the anxiety is not being helped by the fact that I haven’t had a cigarette in two days. I have a vape but I can’t inhale as it makes me choke (ironic, right?) so I don’t know how much nicotine I’m getting. But I really want to quit this time. My son keeps begging me to quit and I remember being his age and being terrified my mom would die of cancer and she never quit and I want to quit dammit. So far I’ve turned out exactly like my mom and I hate it. I want to be better than her somehow. I want to do right by my son.

**** this anxiety is just killer though. My stomach is all messed up. I wish I could ask for some klonopin but I’m meeting a new pdoc for the first time on Tuesday, I don’t think I should start off asking for a benzo.