Had an intense session with C. Intense for me, at least. I came in so fragmented, I couldn't put two words together - I don't remember what I was saying, but I know that I kept starting and stopping and then starting something else...and all the while thinking in my head "omg stop TMC he's going to think you're doing this on purpose to make yourself look more dissociated." Whatever.

C and Group T talked and it was nothing spectacular - consensus between both is that I'm struggling to open up/go deeper (I never thought I would hear that from a therapist - not ever - do you know how many have told me "you are so self aware...there's nothing more I can give you!)...I'm an open book!...and here are therapists saying I'm struggling to go deeper/share...it's so weird.

C said DID. So the DID term is back in play, and I was like "I don't have DID" then he was confused and then I was like "no diagnoses...diagnoses don't matter...except I guess if we just get that term out in the open, then it'll be a little freeing" whatever...it was really really confusing, but the point is: parts. I'm supposed to be getting used to saying that word. Parts.

He wants to interact directly with them. I managed to bleh out that "I don't think we can continue doing the unboxing work without a working relationship between the parts." And he says the only way he can help with that is if I let him interact with them directly. I'm just setting this aside for now and trying not to think about it -- I meant to ask, but didn't, "can't it all just go through me?" I'm thinking the answer should be that we can at least start with that?... me just learning to say the words in my head? IDK. I'm sorry this is probably making no sense. Also, this all means having to 'look.'

I wound up telling him so much more than I thought I would (it wasn't something I came in planning to talk about) about what happened when I was dx-ed 10 years ago. About how I'd "asked" (inside) about ages, etc. and just wrote down whatever came up and that was that - that's how everything got so defined. I told him about how I'd lived in a world in my head growing up, with people in my head, and how it's all a fog now. About how I'd had to try to find those things I'd gotten from the world and the people in my head out in the real world -- that I was looking for safety, protection -- that it had led me down paths I'm not proud of -- that real people are so much more complicated than people in your head.

I still fee so...fragmented. I don't have another word for it. But I did manage to ask him at the end if I could still contact him between now and Monday and if he'd still be there. He made me ask those questions directly and then say nothing -- he answered immediately -- but I'd been asking the questions in an indirect ramble. I looked at him while asking "can I still contact you between now and Monday" -- yes. "will you still be here?" -- yes. So that was good.

I remember him smiling at one point when I was telling him something, and I said "you look amused," and he said "I was feeling caring." I remember him saying that not only was he ok with interacting directly with parts, but that he wanted it. He said "in fact, I want it so much, I have to keep myself in check to make sure we are only pushing ahead because you want to, not me." That helped.

Somehow, I walked away feeling like I got the "daddy care" + the adult reassurance. I did keep my shoes on this whole time for once (I always kick off my shoes and pull my feet up on his couch like a kid for every session; today, I kept my boots on).