Don't put yourself down for "not forgiving her" earlier. We are human - we cannot predict what will happen next second, especially not next year. Your mother knew you loved her - she still lives on in your heart and in your mind. She will always be with her. She is free - she is released from the prison of a body to be a spirit, free to be. We are the ones left to suffer. Please do not put yourself down - I understand not being able to grieve - I still have not learn how to grieve, either, but I know I loved her and she loved me and that is what counts.