It's been awhile since I've posted on here. Things had been going well. I celebrated 3 years off alcohol in December and then on the 23rd of January 10 months off meth.

The other night though I had one of what I call one of my "crisis" moments. It was like a switch went off in my head and all I could think about was wanting to be numb. I wasn't craving drugs or alcohol. I just didn't want to feel. Although meth is usually my go to I knew it would take awhile to find some. So alcohol it was. I went to the store, came home and packed a bag and then went to a hotel. I knew once I shut the world out and avoided everyone that someone would come to my house.

I spent the evening alone. Alone with my own thoughts and old beliefs that had come up about myself. You see I had kind of been dating someone on and off for a little over a year and a half and she told me Wednesday that the spark just wanted there for her. It stung.

I've come to realize though that my reaction wasn't because of her. It was because of the old feelings that came up and the old beliefs. I'm doing OK today. I'm not going to continue to drink. I'm going to keep moving forward in life and deal with the feelings I'm going through and change my thinking.

It's crazy though just how quickly those urges can come up. Even with some clean/sober time under our belt. I won't beat myself up for it. I'll live in today and learn from the past.

I found a song yesterday that really helped me. Maybe it will help inspire and help someone else: