I am considering not dating at all, and not seeing my bf. I don't think it would change him, but we'd both miss each other. We've spent some time apart but not enough to know how we'd really feel. I know he has broken up with me and felt like he made the right choice for himself, but he broke down and took me back. Honestly, it felt like I compelled him to feel like he had to take me back though. I feel like he needs me or he will become worse. Vice versa.

I don't want to watch him deteriorate at all, I want him to be healthier. He wrote in a letter to me a long time ago that he wants to quit cigarettes and cut down considerably on his weed use. But I can't control it, I can't question him, I can't tell him I think he's using too much because it is his choice, not mine. He also drinks.

I know in my head that neither man is a good healthy choice for me. Reality is different, I'm around 50, I'm disabled and may not work again, I'm no prize for anyone. That sounds stupid. That's not my words. I feel like I'm a good person, I'm honest and kind. I have depression and it can be bad. I can be quite annoying to people if I need someone too much. I am needy for attention. I'm finally wanting to enjoy some of my time instead of worrying so much about my friends and family.

I feel selfish but if I don't think of my needs I'll go downhill, and I'm tired of the depression and the guilt and shame. I never had a good relationship. I don't know how to put a trigger here, I forgot..... I don't think it would help to explain why I want to stay with him anyways. There was

Trigger

Abuse in my past. Raped. He helped me to feel better in certain ways.


Even though this relationship isn't amazing and sounds very unhealthy, I have a hard time picturing myself alone at home unless I find work. Volunteering is almost impossible to find in my town. It is very rural. His city has more things available for me. I was thinking of a future, being with him, and working as a volunteer or cutting hair again. Yet he wants his space, freedom, privacy.

After over 2 years and a lot of time together, we should both be able to know if we can make this work. But neither of us is sure of anything.