I've been having issues with my T for a good while and got worse during the last month... i kept thinking i wanted to quit but i never really believed i would have done it for real and i surely didnt expect it would have been this easy.... well, not easy but without feelings except for a deep hatred for myself, for hurting soneone who helped me the best she could...

I had another T before her and it had been so much harder to quit. I kind of wonder what made this big difference... its a bit like how i feel about my Home and my house... and as soon as i was back on the streets after the session i only felt like seeing my old T. I think i kind of protected myself from feeling too attached to this T.

I also think i quit out of anger and hopelessness. But also to show her i didnt accept some of the "unprofessional" things she did, although her unprofessionality also was at my advantage sometimes... and i wanted to show her i mean what i say and i had not been talking and telling her things i wouldnt have done, cause sometimes i felt like she didnt really believe me... kind of invalidated or not taken too seriously. Not sure why. I think neither she believed me at the beginning if the session when i said i wanted to quit. I kind of felt challenged to actually do it.

I was also sure she had kept saying we had a reason to continue therapy but she internally felt like i was right and why did she waste her time and energies with me... kind of saying it didnt really matter or it was pointless, when she seemed to believe me about my plans.

I think she cried though today and i felt such a monster, so bad... and so sorry she has known me. I keep doing and feeling the same things over and over, year after year and im so tired of myself.

Lately, i was also feeling as if therapy was just another duty and often just another worry or source if problems... so of course i though about quitting, but the way i did it and the way it happened has disturbed me. I felt worse by imagining her feelings than by feeling my owns.

Im glad i got to tell her all that i consider necessary for a goodbye, like: thank you, i'll miss you, im sorry, i love you, what we have done was important and i wouldnt be here without you, etc... i dont know what to think and what to feel now. It seems like something big happened but i havent been able to feel it or to feel it real... i dont know...