I've been all over the place lately, one internal firestorm after another with periods of numbness inbetween. BUT, using everything I've learned about psychology, and journaling daily, I'm figuring it out.

For example, why have I been feeling almost "borderline" lately? I've been running "hot and cold" with people a lot. Well, I've realized I have a LOT of things missing from my life that I need in order to be well, and I need better boundaries too (offline, I put up with too much nonsense from Life itself, let alone people). I have been working hard on defining this.

So, if I interact with anyone who has some common interests or values, or inspires me in some way, I am feeling a bit "clingy" because it represents things I want that I am missing, including socially. If they then offer some comment that demonstrates their values or interests or priorities are in some way also very different from my own, I am suddenly reminded of things I am no longer willing to put up with. Then, my feeling is "oh ... well, bye bye then. See ya! Practicing good self-care here, no offense." and I suddenly start feeling or even acting quite stand-offish. It's not really "borderline tendencies" per se, it's more just a complex set of triggers for my own pain. It makes logical sense when I have the time to "deconstruct" it.

Using this kind of reasoning, I can see WHY I feel all over the place lately. I have accumulated too many fears, too many defenses, my life is a million miles from where I want it to be in ANY area BECAUSE of my long term "baggage", things have not been changing for the better, formal treatment is NOT working, so my current 99% messed up mental state is totally understandable.

But ... whoa, it's all getting overwhelming. I need a new LIFE. I'm really, really struggling here. I'm so done with the daily hamster wheel. Not only do I have a lot of "internal stuff" to deal with, and it's actually been going on way longer than I thought, I'm just DONE with life as it is anymore. I NEED a radical change to ... everything. And my patience is completely gone. Maybe I've been too "patient".