I definitely suffered from neglect, but also many other things. I lived life alone, mostly a latch key child. I never saw my mother except for half day on Saturday and all day Sunday. I had no siblings and was my father in another state. I had a dog.

My mother was bipolar, but nothing like mine. She was the type that disappeared, sometimes for years (she disappeared three times I can remember—once for two years). She was also schizophrenic and had borderline personality disorder. She was paranoid and nervous.

She demanded perfection of me. If I didn’t have a perfect piano lessons or all A’s she would explode and destroy the house. I’ve never seen anything like it on TV or the movies. She would completely destroy/vandalize our own house. Glass and debris everywhere. She even took a hammer to my piano once.

She hurt me and my pets. I won’t describe it.

The physical abuse wasn’t nearly as bad as the way she terrorized me. Lots of verbal threats against my life, or her life and mine. You know those scary chase scenes in horror films? Yes, she chased me in extremely terrifying ways I won’t describe.

I have complex PTSD and bipolar. Now that I have read about complex PTSD, I realize I have other risk factors. Like having to fight off my own father (when my mother disappeared).

And having to sign to pull the plugs on my husband’s artificial heart and breathing machine (the doctors said he was essentially gone) and watching him die.

So, after all that, I got worse after my husband died too young and got diagnosed bipolar (for the second time). Anxiety is my worst problem.

My therapist told me she can’t believe I function as well as I do. That kind of bothers me. I think it’s the dissociating that saved me. I can block things out like nobody’s business.

I don’t think I stood a chance, frankly. I don’t think I had a snowball’s chance.