First of all, I am sorry I'm posting here again... I just feel like I have to tell someone.

I have been depressed for a while now. At first the depression was hiding in the back and I was mostly restless and anxious, then I noticed I was losing my energy to do anything. And then I just really crashed. For weeks I haven't had any energy or interest to do anything. I just sleep or do nothing.

Lately I have been skipping lectures. Too tired to go. All my limbs felt so heavy. Mostly I have just slept, about 11-18h a day. I could not feel anything, just empty. It was kind of easy, I didn't have to care about anything.

Now it's changing. For couple days, I haven't slept that much. I wish I was still that tired physically that I could just sleep. It is like being dead without causing any trouble to family and friends. But no. I'm still not interested in doing anything. And doing nothing makes me bored, boredness drives me think about hurting myself. At least I can feel now, anxiety and something horrible inside me. I mostly just want to get drunk, at least it takes the pain away for a few hours. But I know it's not a good habit and it will cause damage and worsen my depression. I can't tell which one is worse, feeling nothing at all or feeling so horrible it becomes overwhelming...

Also I'm so lonely, I literally have nobody to talk to. Except my therapist once a week. I just hate myself so much when I am depressed. Mostly because I act so depressed, and I don't want to act like that or to be depressed. I wish I could just snap out of this. I wish I could be one of those people who don't believe depression exists.

Do your depressive symptoms vary or stay mostly the same?