Hey everyone

So I'm feeling suicidal because I have a physical illness but there is no good hospital care in Europe for this disease, also the person I love does not love me back and is even mean to me. I know the person probably loves me somewhere deep down, but we keep getting into fights. I fear this person hates me now, then I don't know how to react. But at the same time I do.

I also have some emotional problems: it's getting better, but I feel like there is a presence (feels like God) watching me and judging me all the time, and I get OCD/intrusive thoughts because of this. I don't dare to be myself or speak up for myself because I'm afraid my own thoughts will turn against me, and that hurts me. It also annoys me a lot to have this feeling; I've learnt how to reduce the feeling of this presence watching me, but it's taken some time. So one question I have left is: how can I be more confident and accepting of myself?

And how can I learn how to talk about "embarrassing" problems etc? I just can't.